Listening

This blog was created over 2 years ago to be a form of sharing my adventures while hiking the 3 longest trails in the USA. I knew from the begining it would take years to complete even though my hopes were to succeed in a much shorter time. By this point, I have not made it further in any of those goals, nor do I have a set date at the moment to return to either of the trials. Yes, hiking all three trails to completion is still a personal goal and I do hope to have the opportunity to publish a book of the journey. I am not giving up nor am I settling for anything other than chasing the desires of my heart, I have merely had a personality change while discovering new priorities.
I dont know if anyone actually reads these posts, but I have enjoyed using this system as a means to motivate myself to keep the fire alive. If anything, my grandchildren might find these to see how odd yet free their grandpa was at a younger age, maybe even put a smile on their face. But for those who do take the time to read of what comes from within, I pray that through the confusing mixture of posts they recieve a bit of encouragement to pursue more than the mundane trials of life. This is but a page of my own story...

I am a dreamer, I recognize what I hope for, I acknowledge my desires and I plan how to achieve them. I havent always been successful at this though, in fact, I fail more often than not. I am my own worst enemy, I judge myself to a standard that is difficult to reach and I convince myself that I'm not good enough, I deserve more, and I am better than where I am at. We all do this, and we always will. Being content with myself is a goal I could never reach by my own strength. But I know well enough to admit my flaws and weaknesses, the next step is the hard part.
How do you overcome your own judgments, expect less of yourself, your friends and family, and be content with the present? I can tell you that settling is not the answer, giving up is more devastating than trying. So I back track for a moment to re cooperate with the times that weren't as complicated. I see blessings, so many blessings. Things that happened not by my strength and with no obligations. If you've read any other blog post here, you'll know that I've been pursuing a relationship with my Lord, and that has led to amazing understanding.
I won't share my testimony here, but I will say that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with God and I wanted to bitch slap every Christian in the face. So coming from that mindset and now being in a place where my best friend is Jesus Christ really changes who you are as a person. But it takes time, which includes days of joy and many days of suffering. All have been worth it.
He has taught me how to let go of all the things that hurt me, to be honest with myself and truly know who I am. I don't expect anything from anyone, I don't have all the strength needed to achieve my dreams nor am I capable of being content with this life. Not by my strength, but by His alone and for His glory.
Now it's time to get real; just because someone follows the teachings of Jesus does not mean they are perfect, a pastor, have all the answers of the "religion", doesn't drink beer, has an ideal marriage, or even knows what's right or wrong. Each person, every individual is unique and has their own journey with God. Which also means not every follower can speak for God to every one in all their needs. We are a community with each person having their own strengths and weaknesses. The only common ground we have is that we love the same very loving Lord we serve and we are always learning how to love others as we learn to love ourselves, and He teaches us how to do this. That's it, it's truly that simple. Everything beyond that is used for specific growth and understanding of what it means.
Back to me, because I'm selfish. I selfishly wish my life to be used for His glory, including in my death. But I am like that because He has loved me far greater than I could ever understand and I am grateful. Eternally thankfull that the God I serve has blessed me abundantly thus far, so why not praise Him for that because I am undeserving in the eyes of man and myself to been given anything.
I'm going to skip some history and take you to after He taught me how to hear His voice, really truly listening to the voice of our Shephard. He led me to the book of Luke chapter 4 when Jesus was in the synogogue reading from the scroll of Isaiah. Isaiah 61:1-2 "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because He has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkess for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn..." He told me to reread it with the understanding that His power and authority is in me because He is my root and lives in my heart. Insert your name where I place mine and know that because of His name this is truth... "The Spirit of the Lord supports (Matt), is attached to and unified with (Matt), it is the supporting base, engaged and involved with (Matt), because He has declared (Matt) sacred, He has dedicated (Matt) to His service to be made a person of honor in order to proclaim, deliver, to persistanly and earnestly be an advocate for the good news to those who are unfortunate, those that lack support, the humble and modest. He has sent (Matt) to unite and make secure the brokenhearted, to declare and make known the freedom for those who are enslaved and dominated and realease from darkness for those who are deprived of liberty and kept in custody, to officially announce the year of the Lord's kind acts out of His goodwill and the day of humiliation and violent revenge on the enemy of God, to encourage and soothe all who are in distress, grieving, full of sorrow and in trouble."
How selfish am I if I continue to pursue my desires, that I have time and time again failed at, if my Lord has put these words on my heart? I must understand that I am still unique, I am not you, I was born with certain feelings toward specific things that are still in me, yet my tasks and priorities have changed. My life is meant to share His grace and mercy, and above all, His love for others.
My original reasons to hike the trails was to find the man I am supposed to be and encourage others in who they are through what they love to do. Now, I see that through my efforts of going for what I thought I needed to do, He humbled me and laid me bare for all the world to see my weaknessses so that they may also see His strength in me. The Lord knows my desires, He knows your desires, so why keep fighting the troubles of this world on your own chasing your dreams and not let Him handle all those troubles and fullfill your desires in His perfect timing.
Like I said earlier, I don't know when I'll make it back to one of the trails, but I'm more than happy telling my God that is what I desire and allowing Him the space and time to work out every detail because I know it will give Him glory and let others see His beautiful work.

For now, I am continuing my relationship with Him, my life and plans are at His feet in Rest. I am satisfied with all that I have, all I am, and what Ive been blessed with. I have brought up traveling to Italy to work on a farm sometime next year and I eagerly pray that it is in His Divine plans for my life. If not, I know He will bring about something better. I will never be let down by my God because He has and will change my heart to align with His plans, this heart can't break when He has bound it together. I am listening to the Voice of Truth that tells me to "go", "stay", "leave", and it has been wonderful with every step.
Dream big, dream God Big! Put your trust in the One who loves you more than any other. Seek His Voice and His company. As some one who thought it was a cruel joke, I see clearly that it is the most real thing we could ever be a part of.

I know I've said in past posts that I'll have more posted, but I'm rarely on a computer these days and I've been putting it all down on paper, just feels more genuine. I'll work on getting online more often and update what the Lord has in store. Be encouraged and feel alive, open your eyes to see His love for you and listen to His wonderful voice.