Chaos and Order

I've been working on a new post, but saw this one in my drafts from the middle of 2015. It still needed some editing, but was ready to post; not sure what happened.

"Do not think that I come to bring peace to the world. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword." Matthew 10:34

Jesus tells us many times to love our brothers and sisters. He often shows his love for everyone by going into their homes, being a part of their lives and giving whatever comfort to them that they need most. He healed the sick and diseased, He brought rest to the weary, He calmed the troubled and gathered those who were lost. He spoke of kindness, grace, forgiveness, and always of love. The life of Jesus Christ is our perfect example of how each one of us should treat others. But then He says that He did come to bring peace, but a sword.
Why would the Savior of mankind say this? It seems to conflict with His message and invites a hostile way of thinking. But then again, He habitually spoke in parables and our interpretation of Bible verses are often out of context. In our society today, it can too easily remind us of radical Islamic thoughts, or ugly Westboro Baptist Church-like actions. And the worst part is that these kind of verses, taken out of context, easily scare away people from believing in Jesus as our Savior. So how can someone choose to spread love, but also carry a sword? Let's first look at where the American culture is focused today...

Racism, bigotry, police brutality and political abuse of power, hatred, segregation, an abundance of trigger warnings, unequal wealth distribution, corruption in all levels of corporate and political structure, and an ever-growing war on religion are just a few topics that smother the news. The most commonly discussed issue in America this year has been about whether someone is offended and how to prevent it. What is going on? If you've been living under a rock for the last year and came out to hear these issues, you'd imagine a society stuck in the dark ages, ruled by a monarchy and surrounded by a barbaric army, while a single religion makes all the laws and each citizen carries a severe pride complex. History tells us how these stories end - bloody.

But this is today, this our world, our country, our home. This is where our family and friends live, where our children will grow up and how we'll be remembered. Unfortunately, this is a filthy time. But the one thing we don't have in common with a similar society centuries ago is that each and every one of us is to blame. That's right, I am ashamed to admit that the blame falls on me and on you. And we are also the only ones who can change the direction we are headed. We have a rare opportunity to avoid violence and blood-shed in order to cause a radical change in how our society, governance and way of thinking.
A revolution is just around around the corner and it is long overdue. Maybe that is why there is so much unrest amongst us.

It is said that the revolution will not be televised, which means that the revolution happens within ourselves. We have to change our mindset, to be critical of what goes in, and accept when we are wrong or lacking.
The first step is to recognize the fact that you will be offended. That is guaranteed. Life isn't going to serve you platter of "trigger warnings" which you can sort through to filter what you want to swallow. The planet can be a brutal, hard, rough place, no matter who you are. It always has been and always will be, so accept it now and move on. Seriously, drop the complaints and just stand behind a solid group of morals and values. Don't lose sleep because you were offended today. You are who you are, if everyone was forced to believe exactly what you think is the only way to live, you'd be stagnant. Growth and change are beneficial. What if someone else beat you to the bottom line? What if they forced laws that made everyone follow the same path they laid out? You'd forever have to be a vegan or a butcher, a Catholic or atheist, a Nazi or an anarchist, listen to one type of music, see only one variety of fashion or paintings. I'm not promoting capitalism or a world of unequals, I'm asking you to accept variety in culture and people that are different from you. That is what the Constitution was meant to be and why a Republic nation is so important.

Get used to being offended, then move on and let it go. I promise that you offend others too.

The next step is to learn how to collaborate. Learn how to have a disagreement, a debate and how to properly interact with those who have alternate views from you. Be willing to mature, listen to others speak and understand that pride holds absolutely no value. Maybe you have the greatest idea on how your community might improve their access to resources and become thoughtful consumers; instead of imposing your ideas, take the time to educate them, hear their side and adapt your own teaching to what works for them.
Choosing a side early on only limits your progress and damages future improvement. We have to learn that the big picture is to balance all the needs of every individual while preserving the basic human rights of every community. We cannot force our habits and ideals on others, we had a chance to purely accept what we hold dear and important, so we must allow others the same opportunity. On the matters where we do differ from others there is always a good time to have open conversations. Come to an understanding, find common ground, and a mutual respect will naturally happen.

These simple guidelines are the framework for peace with your neighbors. They don't guarantee peace and harmony, but merely part of the recipe. We're now in a position to mend wounds and leave our egos at the door. Qualms that emerge from racism, financial irresponsibility, and job corruption can be washed away. But there are still thoughts and feelings that have been rooted in humankind which need to be addressed.
We have a moralistic attitude that we feel needs to pushed on others. I am a firm believer that this stems from our current political corruption and very uneducated politicians. Between legal bribery (lobbying) and heavily regulated mainstream news sources, there are a large number of individuals with a narrow view on how certain situations must turn out. If we reevaluate what it is that others are doing and second guess how we expect the consequences of their actions to be, then we may find new methods to handling serious issues. We must open our minds for relearning old ways of doing things and be able to shift our perspective when what we've done in the past does not make positive impacts today.

This is where to sword comes into our lives.

Although everything is permissible, not everything is beneficial. This is what Jesus was referring to. There are quite a few mindsets that hurt ourselves, others and those who must pick up where our generation left off. What hurts others must be destroyed. Pacifism is not the answer to world peace. Love is the answer. Love solves all problems, covers all offenses, rights all wrongs. I'm not talking about hippie love, the love a man and woman can share between each other, or the love between two friends. I'm talking about the type of love that parents and children share, the kind of love that bridges age, gender, thought patterns, gaps in understanding; the love that can be passed on without question. In this love, there is discipline. It is the only kind of love that promotes correction, change, patience, and education. It is not easy, it adapts and grows. Life guides where this love will be revealed and in what way it needs to be present. 

This love that comes in the form of a sword does not bring others down out of aggression or superiority. There is no room for commanders or an iron fist in this kind of love. It is discipline, appropriate correction and very often comes from bold teachers. All will find some offense in this love, but eventually understanding and acceptance will overcome the feeling of a punishment. 

This love cannot be corrupted, for its roots have grown deep in truth. It knows the way to a peaceful community, no matter where in the world it is needed. It is fair and unique in judgment, for all life has value to this love. It listens and corrects, but does not rebuke or cause strife. 

This is the what Jesus was teaching through His parables and lessons. Yes, He did become angry and frustrated, but always with those who used religion for their own gains or with those who abused their positions of power. But Jesus did not call fire down upon them; instead, He called out their hearts. The things that hurt us the most don't always kill us, but change our character.

The world is due for a heart change. We could all use loving correction, careful guidance, and definitely some cleansing of character traits. 
I always have to remind myself that change can be good. Too often I see in my nature that I'd rather hold grudges, become bitter or cold, or just turn away from others. There are times we have to protect ourselves, but we really must pay attention to our hearts and if our attitudes are in the right place. I could use some loving correction on a daily basis. I'm open to being shown when I'm wrong, because then I have an opportunity to grow and learn how to be available to anyone in need. I pray that all of your hearts to not grow cold or become hardened because of the way of the world. I pray for all of us to feel what real love is and understand how important it is to be open to change. May we all find peace in the revolution.

"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.” Mark 8:34-38

Listening

This blog was created over 2 years ago to be a form of sharing my adventures while hiking the 3 longest trails in the USA. I knew from the begining it would take years to complete even though my hopes were to succeed in a much shorter time. By this point, I have not made it further in any of those goals, nor do I have a set date at the moment to return to either of the trials. Yes, hiking all three trails to completion is still a personal goal and I do hope to have the opportunity to publish a book of the journey. I am not giving up nor am I settling for anything other than chasing the desires of my heart, I have merely had a personality change while discovering new priorities.
I dont know if anyone actually reads these posts, but I have enjoyed using this system as a means to motivate myself to keep the fire alive. If anything, my grandchildren might find these to see how odd yet free their grandpa was at a younger age, maybe even put a smile on their face. But for those who do take the time to read of what comes from within, I pray that through the confusing mixture of posts they recieve a bit of encouragement to pursue more than the mundane trials of life. This is but a page of my own story...

I am a dreamer, I recognize what I hope for, I acknowledge my desires and I plan how to achieve them. I havent always been successful at this though, in fact, I fail more often than not. I am my own worst enemy, I judge myself to a standard that is difficult to reach and I convince myself that I'm not good enough, I deserve more, and I am better than where I am at. We all do this, and we always will. Being content with myself is a goal I could never reach by my own strength. But I know well enough to admit my flaws and weaknesses, the next step is the hard part.
How do you overcome your own judgments, expect less of yourself, your friends and family, and be content with the present? I can tell you that settling is not the answer, giving up is more devastating than trying. So I back track for a moment to re cooperate with the times that weren't as complicated. I see blessings, so many blessings. Things that happened not by my strength and with no obligations. If you've read any other blog post here, you'll know that I've been pursuing a relationship with my Lord, and that has led to amazing understanding.
I won't share my testimony here, but I will say that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with God and I wanted to bitch slap every Christian in the face. So coming from that mindset and now being in a place where my best friend is Jesus Christ really changes who you are as a person. But it takes time, which includes days of joy and many days of suffering. All have been worth it.
He has taught me how to let go of all the things that hurt me, to be honest with myself and truly know who I am. I don't expect anything from anyone, I don't have all the strength needed to achieve my dreams nor am I capable of being content with this life. Not by my strength, but by His alone and for His glory.
Now it's time to get real; just because someone follows the teachings of Jesus does not mean they are perfect, a pastor, have all the answers of the "religion", doesn't drink beer, has an ideal marriage, or even knows what's right or wrong. Each person, every individual is unique and has their own journey with God. Which also means not every follower can speak for God to every one in all their needs. We are a community with each person having their own strengths and weaknesses. The only common ground we have is that we love the same very loving Lord we serve and we are always learning how to love others as we learn to love ourselves, and He teaches us how to do this. That's it, it's truly that simple. Everything beyond that is used for specific growth and understanding of what it means.
Back to me, because I'm selfish. I selfishly wish my life to be used for His glory, including in my death. But I am like that because He has loved me far greater than I could ever understand and I am grateful. Eternally thankfull that the God I serve has blessed me abundantly thus far, so why not praise Him for that because I am undeserving in the eyes of man and myself to been given anything.
I'm going to skip some history and take you to after He taught me how to hear His voice, really truly listening to the voice of our Shephard. He led me to the book of Luke chapter 4 when Jesus was in the synogogue reading from the scroll of Isaiah. Isaiah 61:1-2 "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because He has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkess for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn..." He told me to reread it with the understanding that His power and authority is in me because He is my root and lives in my heart. Insert your name where I place mine and know that because of His name this is truth... "The Spirit of the Lord supports (Matt), is attached to and unified with (Matt), it is the supporting base, engaged and involved with (Matt), because He has declared (Matt) sacred, He has dedicated (Matt) to His service to be made a person of honor in order to proclaim, deliver, to persistanly and earnestly be an advocate for the good news to those who are unfortunate, those that lack support, the humble and modest. He has sent (Matt) to unite and make secure the brokenhearted, to declare and make known the freedom for those who are enslaved and dominated and realease from darkness for those who are deprived of liberty and kept in custody, to officially announce the year of the Lord's kind acts out of His goodwill and the day of humiliation and violent revenge on the enemy of God, to encourage and soothe all who are in distress, grieving, full of sorrow and in trouble."
How selfish am I if I continue to pursue my desires, that I have time and time again failed at, if my Lord has put these words on my heart? I must understand that I am still unique, I am not you, I was born with certain feelings toward specific things that are still in me, yet my tasks and priorities have changed. My life is meant to share His grace and mercy, and above all, His love for others.
My original reasons to hike the trails was to find the man I am supposed to be and encourage others in who they are through what they love to do. Now, I see that through my efforts of going for what I thought I needed to do, He humbled me and laid me bare for all the world to see my weaknessses so that they may also see His strength in me. The Lord knows my desires, He knows your desires, so why keep fighting the troubles of this world on your own chasing your dreams and not let Him handle all those troubles and fullfill your desires in His perfect timing.
Like I said earlier, I don't know when I'll make it back to one of the trails, but I'm more than happy telling my God that is what I desire and allowing Him the space and time to work out every detail because I know it will give Him glory and let others see His beautiful work.

For now, I am continuing my relationship with Him, my life and plans are at His feet in Rest. I am satisfied with all that I have, all I am, and what Ive been blessed with. I have brought up traveling to Italy to work on a farm sometime next year and I eagerly pray that it is in His Divine plans for my life. If not, I know He will bring about something better. I will never be let down by my God because He has and will change my heart to align with His plans, this heart can't break when He has bound it together. I am listening to the Voice of Truth that tells me to "go", "stay", "leave", and it has been wonderful with every step.
Dream big, dream God Big! Put your trust in the One who loves you more than any other. Seek His Voice and His company. As some one who thought it was a cruel joke, I see clearly that it is the most real thing we could ever be a part of.

I know I've said in past posts that I'll have more posted, but I'm rarely on a computer these days and I've been putting it all down on paper, just feels more genuine. I'll work on getting online more often and update what the Lord has in store. Be encouraged and feel alive, open your eyes to see His love for you and listen to His wonderful voice.

Roads of Love or Power

"Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life." Galations 6:7-8

 “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." Matthew 7:13-14

I stood up on the spine of the rock. Looking to my right, I saw a canyon below me with railroad tracks running next to a dried creek bed. Further out beyond the tracks were cliffs, bluffs, and more canyons. There was a wide green river past those bluffs and more canyons miles in the distance. It was beautiful country, even though the sky was filled with clouds. I imagined cowboys and Indians fighting over that land.

I looked down and adjusted the black and blue harness that clenched to my waist and thighs. The harness was as tight as I could make the straps, but still a little loose since it was made for someone larger than me. That’s okay, wiggle room was acceptable. I looked to my left from where I had climbed up from. The canyon wall I was standing on took a sharp turn and opened itself into a crescent with a sheer drop. The climb up here was a little more intense than where my comfort zone had been, but the view from this height was well worth it.

I walked forward, being the only way to go besides turning around. To my immediate left and right was empty space of an almost 130 foot exposure. I felt comfortable enough being up there since I had already spent an afternoon and a night repelling down and the past 5 hours walking back and forth on that rock. But this moment was different. I climbed into a gullet and dropped down about 6 feet to a small ledge. I was leashed into an anchored rope in case my footing was poor and a mistake was made. I didn’t expect that to happen, but an extra measure of safety didn’t hurt.

Then, I attached two carabineers to my harness and spooled up about 20 feet of rope. On the other end of the carabineers were two ropes, capable of catching more than a few tons of weight, that felt good because I was pretty sure I hadn’t gained over a couple thousand pounds in the last few days. I unhooked my leash and before me came a moment of clarity.

Here I was, standing on the edge of Corona Arch in Moab, Utah, about to throw myself off. Only solid rock at the bottom, no chance of survival. I wasn’t scared, my palms weren’t sweaty, and I could only smile. So I took a few quick steps forward and tried to jump. It was too late, I was already falling.

                Life tends to place a lot of cliffs in front of us that we’re told to climb. And the higher you go, the longer you have to fall. Some of these walls will have a directed route to go, with steps and ladders and hand rails. Others walls may be a flat rock with no visible hand holds or good footing. Sometimes you can see the top and know how far you’re going, other times the summit might be covered in clouds with a seemingly never ending climb.

I know you’ve been to these places before; you’ve put in the effort and made the climb. How was the view? Was the reward worth the work? Did it take your breath away?

I’ve been climbing my entire life. Before I could talk, I wanted to sit on my dad’s shoulders; see the world from his view, he was so much taller than me. When I was young and running through the woods, I tried climbing the tallest trees so that I could sit above the hills and see what was beyond my reach. As I grew older, I found mountains I could scale and look out to the world and wonder what lay past the horizon. My dreams were out there, my hopes were made real and my questions had answers.

We’ve always been told to chase our dreams and whatever we put our minds to could happen. We like hearing of the success others have because it gives us hope, but also because we see a new challenge to exceed. We were raised to compete, we were raised to dream big. We were raised, and then we fall.

Facts. Science. Laws and rules and regulations. Procedures, documents, paperwork, guidelines and tasks. Our perception is reality, but our perception quickly becomes coded. The imaginations of innocent children become altered and unwelcomed in society. Conform. Fall in line. Do as you’re told. Become a slave.

It’s sad to think about, but it’s true. So then, the next wall is in front of you. The first real wall of your adult life towers above you. You no longer can sit on the shoulders that once held you. Climbing the tallest tree in the forest can have dangerous consequences, and you may find another tree taller not too far away. It takes time and energy you can no longer afford to ascend the mountain that takes you above the busy life you’re consumed in. What a dark reality life really is.

                I’ve managed to hold on to the youth in my heart. It was hard at times and I’ve had my share of negative judgments by others and myself. But I keep climbing this wall of adulthood, even with slips and falls. And I have somehow been able to find enjoyment in the climb that my youth would have been proud of.

Eventually, we all get to the same point on this wall. We find that small ledge, just big enough to sit down and catch our breath. We take in the view, look down at what we had overcome and let it all soak in. We’re committed to the rest of the climb now and there’s no going back. As we look up, we see two paths. Only two ways to go. This is where things get interesting. Both paths lead up, but we can’t tell which is safer during the rest of the way.

This is life and there are only two roads to go down. When you sum up all of our choices, all of our options and decisions, they seemingly fit into two categories: love and power.

But which do you choose? Which one will have the easier way and biggest reward? One way sounds full of flowers, hugs and kisses, and lots of time baking cookies and smoking pot. The other way could be more controllable with lots of money and important tasks that people will look up to you to build into reality. It’s an easy decision if you’re an emotional person or a logical thinker. You naturally fit into one path or the other. But life happens and things change. The people around you create complications. Your circumstances may play out different than expected. You allow your heart to become tender or hardened.

That’s when you look for more. As you sit on that small ledge looking out at the canyons and rivers you wonder what else might be in your future, or what could have gone differently in your past. You start to dig into yourself and ask questions that weren’t always there. Why am I here? Where did I come from? Where am I really going? And does it all really matter?

Something happens in this moment. You feel like there is a little more there than what you’re actually seeing. You can’t help but admit that you aren’t only thinking and feeling, but living in a part of something more.

Call it what you want, but that is your soul and it is a part of something that you can never fully understand. Now you have this idea that because there is something more out there, maybe your dreams as a child weren’t too far off. Maybe you could be somebody who has shoulders to carry someone else. Maybe you can climb that tallest tree and build a fort up there so your friends can enjoy it with you. And quite possibly, you may be able to sit on the highest mountain and see over the horizon to find your hopes fulfilled. Now, how are you going to get there?

You are no longer aware of your restrictions to the logic of your mind and the pace at which your heart beats. You know whichever road you choose to take is going to mean so much than the effort or the final destination. The climb up this wall is your life and you want to do your very best with each step. Do you choose the road of love or the road of power?

Look over at the path that has power in it. Look at the people who are climbing it and see where they have gone so far. You’ll find pastors, car salesmen, nurses, presidents, kings and CEOs, drug dealers, athletes, soldiers, celebrities, cashiers, and baristas. These are all the people you talk to each day and they all want to go somewhere. You’ll see them with grand houses, new toys, wealthy friends and neighbors. They make big decisions for many people, they are “plugged in” to the progress of society and their success is graded by their peers. They crunch numbers, they align their priorities to their own dreams and seek them out. People climbing the wall of life on the path of power appear noble and know how to fight for what they want. They network, build business relationships and prefer to avoid present pain at any means possible.

The road of power looks safe because you control it with the power you’ve gained. When you retire, you have amassed great wealth, carry untold influence in the outcome of situations, and have provisions to survive dark days. These are the dreams of people who want to live life with whatever they can grasp. You know them well because you put your mind into it and fought tooth and nail for what you’ve earned. The higher you go, you find more steps and handrails placed by others before you and you ascend quicker. Now with time invested in securing your place on the path of power, you can look back at the others below you and shout advice or criticism. You have made it higher up the wall right? So why not lend a hand to those on their way up who are deserving of more or kick down those who are tugging on your foot for support. Why else did you come this way if not to achieve more control?

Looking up at the path of power, you feel good about it. You get what you want out of it. Turn your head away from that climb and gaze over the landscape spread out before you again. All those deep canyons, thirsty rivers, and giant bluffs don’t look so grand anymore. You can have them all and do what you want with them with all the experience and knowledge you’d gain by power. You can accept who you want to share your river with. You’ve earned it, haven’t you?

But that thing you felt earlier, your soul, where was it? It wasn’t there when you kicked back down those grabbing for your foot to help them up. It wasn’t there when you fired that employee because her lack of dedication to the job might have hindered your business’ growth. The people you spoke for were too picky and acted out in ways that offended you too often so you laid down the law to make them submit. You lost friends and loved ones because you focused on instant gratification and only sought after your own goals and dreams. Those you helped, you helped because if they rose they would have to help you in return.  You shut others up for fear that their ideals conflicted with yours and would harm what your efforts achieved. You had more mind than heart; you had more money than joy. You have sacrificed so much to gain what only your eyes could see.

That doesn’t sit well with most of those who see more. There are a few who see what is not in sight who choose the road of power. They prey upon the weak and innocent, they know they can rob those who mean well but are too confused to guard themselves. Cluttered on the road of power you will always find thieves and liars, there always are bandits and scavengers, manipulators and charmers. They are cunning and deceitful and if you spot them on your way up the wall, you will surely struggle to get around them. They loosen the bolts in the handrails and lay sand on the steps ahead of you.

I know their ways; I once plotted and schemed with them. I chose the road of power because I saw favor in riches, because I unlocked knowledge that was not given nor rightfully earned. And just like those that lay awake in the night, craving pleasures for my flesh and own desires, I fell.

                I fell far and hard. I knocked down others that were below me, that I had climbed over and pushed back. My mistakes hurt them and they suffered as I suffered. I crashed back down on that small ledge and slid to the end. My hand reached for support and found none. I cried out when my body hung over the wall that I had climbed up during my youth. And just before I dropped down to the rocks below, my fingers caught onto something. It wasn’t much and I didn’t know if it would hold my weight, but I held to it with every bit of strength left in me. I scrambled back to the safety of that small ledge. I lay on my back with my feet hanging off and caught my breath. I rolled my head to look at what my fingers had found a hold to.

There was nothing there. Just smooth rock under me and all around. How could that be? I know there was something that I grabbed onto that kept me from falling. My mind raced over what had happened. Every hand hold and foot hold on the path I took before was marked and in plain sight. That was the way you had to climb, knowing that you can see where to go and that the way was laid out. But whatever saved me from falling wasn’t there. There was something more that I couldn’t see.

I sat up and felt grateful for a second chance. I knew the path of power was a good way to keep climbing because I could make it what I wanted it to be. But that thing I felt before, that soul thing seemed so absent. There was always this shallow feeling that each step couldn’t be trusted, and trouble might be around the corner. No matter how far I had gone, I never really believed the reward at the top was as good as it could possibly get, there was always going to be more to go after.

                Okay, so there was more than meets the eye. You sit on that small ledge and look up at the wall where your life leads. You tilt your head in the direction of the path of love. It sounds like a joke for kids, for hippies and cowards. Love? Really? You have an option to achieve everything you’ve ever wanted, all you’ve been told, all the facts and science and leaders of this world say you need more. You need control and to stand on the pillars and carve your name in stone because you grabbed all the power that lay before you. Why would you want to go after butterflies and unicorns and things of emotion? That sounded like a gamble, with odds stacked against you when it came to your dreams.

Isn’t that what dreams are really about though? Have you ever dreamt of a life that put a smile on your face every moment, which filled your wildest fantasies and went beyond anything you thought possible? Haven’t you ever hoped for more, wanted to know what was down the rabbit hole? Why not explore this feeling your soul was giving you?

You look at the people climbing the path of love. They are spread out and you can’t tell who they are. You’ve never seen any of them before and you can’t see any ladders, steps or handrails. It looks like a tough climb, with overhangs and high wind. You start to wonder if you’ll fall from this path like I did from the last one. If you do, you can tell you won’t be so lucky this time to fall back towards this small ledge. But you see others climbing it; they are brave enough to actually try to take this path that seems ridiculously unsound. They look all alone where they climb and they don’t have possessions or better gear as they get higher, in fact, they have less.

But you can’t deny this feeling in your soul. The longer you sit there and think about it, the more you’re convinced there is something you’re not quite seeing. So why not try this path? You know you can manage working your way back up the other one if you need to, but this one had something to it. If you’re going to do your best at climbing your way through life, you may as well put your second chance into the one that is the most mysterious.

                I stood on my feet again and put my hands on the wall closest to the path of love. I couldn’t see where the first two hand holds were. I slid my hands across the surface of the stone slowly stretching my arms out, I found nothing. How did the others start this part? I knew there was something there, there had to be. So I checked again, slid my hands over the rock as far as I could reach. I knew something had to be there, I just wasn’t seeing it. But I didn’t see that finger hold when I almost fell to my death either. So, I closed my eyes and focused my thoughts on feeling with my fingers.

And there it was, a small groove I could tuck my fingers into. Then another one for my other hand. Okay, so there’s more to this path than meets the eye. The more I climbed, the more I focused on finding what I couldn’t see, but feel. Somehow, each hold was in the perfect spot. My hands fit nicely and held firm, my feet never slipped and the rock seemed to want to grip to my shoes. It felt good to climb like this, to trust that each hold would be there and hold my weight.

The higher I got, the easier the climb became. I knew where to extend my reach, I almost didn’t even have to try, just lift myself up to the next spot. I came across others after a while and they calmly smiled back at me. We never said anything to each other, a smile was more than enough for encouragement. Once in a while, I found someone from the path of power who was clinging to the wall, scared and tired. I reached out to them and helped them cross over to the path I was taking. They thanked me, rested, and continued to climb with me, smiling the entire way.

After a long time, I had been through rain and storms, found myself off course when I was distracted with my thoughts of my dreams, but always found a way to keep climbing and work back into the path of love. Everyone climbed at a different pace, but always gave others an encouraging smile. I was surprised to learn that my dreams and goals had been achieved without me trying for them. Everything was earned, but it felt so easy to get there. Eventually, my hands started to fade away, my weight felt less with each step, and the smiles around me became bigger.

I had forgotten what it was like to climb with those on the way to power. I couldn’t remember what my dreams were or where my hopes lie. I wanted all those smiling faces around me to keep smiling and I just kept wishing they would reach their own goals. I looked below me, gazed at what I had climbed over and felt happy, truly happy I had come this far. Those below me were still working their way up and they were still smiling. Those above me seemed to climb faster and easier, even though all the hand holds stayed the same small holds. There were no steps this high up, you simply knew you’d find a way.

And so this path we climb. We climb higher, not knowing exactly what is at the top of the wall, but not caring only smiling.

                This is faith in God. The more you let go of the rhythms this world makes, the more you believe in what you can’t see, is when you realize it’s not all about you. God wants you to succeed and live an abundant life. He doesn’t want you to struggle or fail, but He’s not going to carry you to where He’d like you to start. You have to make the choice to believe there’s more out there, there’s more than meets the eye.

Jesus didn’t come to rebuke you and point out your flaws, He didn’t come to teach you to do good works in order to get into heaven. Jesus came for your heart. He cares for you and can’t wait to see you smile. The more faith you give the Holy Spirit to work in your life, the more blessings He fills your life with. And when you see Him work for you and help you and give you the things on your heart, you give Him even more faith than you had before.

This wall is a battle ground. It’s full of decisions you have to make, agreements disguised in power. The enemy will always try to make you fall, he wants you to be distracted and hate yourself. He wants you to struggle and get lost deep in his deceit because hates to see you smile.

The climb isn’t easy, nor does it appear safe, for this is the world the devil has turned it into. But Elohim, your loving Father, will take care of you each moment, with each step. Trust Him, let Him catch you and choose not to ignore when He gives you a second chance. It’s not too late, learn to love, truly love. Forgive yourself for your mistakes; let His light bring your heart out of the shadow of darkness it’s been in far too long. You have countless opportunities lying in front of you, so make the best of them and choose not to sacrifice others to reach your goals, or your rewards will be slight and short lived. There is a raging war for your soul, you specifically, and the enemy will keep you blinded from that fact as long as he can. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in him, because he believes in taking your soul either way. The very moment a red flag goes up, the exact time you tell yourself you’re not good enough or too weak or too lost, is a moment to fight back. You are good enough, you are loved, you deserve better, and you certainly don’t need to give up.

So choose the road that fits you best and own that choice, but don’t ignore that there is more than meets the eye.

                As I fell from the arch, I thought about death. What if I did hit the ground and die? The people watching would have been traumatized. My family would have to take another blow this year that would again break their hearts. But that was it. The world would keep spinning, my job would be filled, my friends would make new friends and carry on and my family would recover and appreciate the time they have together so much deeper. I had no regrets, I was climbing the path of love and I was living life with pure joy as a blessing from Jesus.

But I wasn’t going to die. The ropes, bolts and gear were safe. I was caught in the 100 foot swing and carried through safely. I had surrounded myself with intelligent people, sound minds, and sharers of love. No, it wasn’t a hippy gathering. I had never even met these people before my journey to Moab began, yet they wanted to live life abundantly, share that with others safely, and respect the balance of love and power that this world hangs on. When you give God all of your faith, faith like a child, and give Him ALL things, the rewards are endless.

Living for the Lord doesn’t mean going to church every week, praying over others, and doing “good” works. It means giving your whole heart to Him, and having the ears to hear His Word, the eyes to see His plans, and the simple belief that He will save you just because He loves you. Climb on, forget what you think you know and just believe He’ll catch you. It’s as simple as that. Make it easy on yourself, stop with all the distractions and excuses, they get you nowhere.

When you stop crying out to Him because you’re suffering, and you cry out to Him because of all that He’s blessed you with that you haven’t earned, you’ll see His hand at work in your life. He’ll teach you more than you could ever imagine, and He’ll give you more than you’ll ever deserve, and He’ll love you more than you’ll ever know. Smile, because God is!

Caretaker

I journal when I feel my thoughts and feelings are too deep to say aloud or process in my own head. Most of my journaling will never make it on to the internet, as it is for my own growth and for me alone. But there are times when my heart tells me to share with those who have to ears to hear and eyes to see what is beyond the things of this world.

I am writing this on November 25^th in the year 2013 and I write this down as it pours out of me. It has taken me a while to put into words something that happened to me on November 11^th.

On 11/11 I spent some time with the Word in the morning. I felt a burden in my heart, a wall was put up that I could not see around or climb over. This wall was thick, made of many red and maroon bricks and few grey ones and I feel its weight just by standing near it. Behind me was the landscape of my heart. Brilliant colors pulsed across its surface and I could sense this wave moving throughout it. The wave was warm and comforting. I knew Jesus was in that wave, tending to my heart. He already spent so much time making repairs, filling gaps, restoring dead and hardened areas. He had let His springs and wells over flow the surface and washed away the trash and dirt that cluttered the temple of my heart. But there was this wall, this giant obstacle that I knew nothing about, and Jesus had not broken it down. Why did He leave it up? Why was this wall such a mystery to me and why did I feel it only now?

When I arrived at work, I prayed over my job, my co-workers, my family and my faith. I thought that maybe I just needed to let some love out to God for others and my wall would fall. That’s when I realized the wall was a hindrance. The wall itself was a self-made distraction. The wall wasn’t the issue, it was what was behind the wall that I was meant to learn about, but didn’t want to confront it. So I reached out, I asked Zac and Tara for prayer, for them to ask Jesus for clarity to the issue at hand.

During work, I continued to pray and seek answers to why I would build this wall. I could tell it took time and energy and resources to stack those bricks. The trouble I went through to keep myself away and safe. Safe! LIE! I did not build this wall to be safe, I built it to hide and cower from TRUTH. That’s a strange feeling to have while working.

I went to my car on break and read a message from Zac… “Well I had a vision of you trying to get up a ladder in a tree and no one would help you. You were just a young boy and everyone else was in the tree but you. And your heart was hurt and felt abandoned and alone in the deepest sense of the word. Then the Father led me to this verse in Matthew (funny) chapter 10 verses 26-31. Focused on 26 and 27. ‘26 But don’t be afraid of those who threaten you. For the time is coming when everything that is covered will be revealed, and all that is secret will be made known. 27 What I tell you now in darkness, shout abroad when daybreak comes. What I whisper in your ear, shout from the housetops for all to hear!’ –Jesus”

This gave me the courage, no my own weakness and flesh lacked the courage. Jesus strengthened me enough to peer around my wall and see beyond it. My heart had a cliff, a jagged sharp cliff that fell into nothing. But out beyond my grasp were pieces and chunks of my heart, floating around. It looked like an asteroid field from Star Wars. Each piece broken off from my heart had a tint of red, but with a slight transparency to it so that I could see what was inside the fragment. There were so many pieces of my heart that it was rough to look at. Some pieces held memories; forgotten childhood dreams, injuries and physical pain, fears and moments crying, mistakes, lost friends and past girlfriends. Some pieces also held thoughts and feelings. I saw one piece that is hard to describe, but I knew “panic” was inside. So many shards broken off my heart. This didn’t seem right. I had Jesus, forgiveness, redemption, and most of all, love. Why did my heart look this?

My heart. My issues because of my flesh. These were not things Jesus was just going to sweep under the rug and call everything good. He wanted to sit with me and talk about each one, to show me truth behind them, give me understanding and give Him more of me in return.

The wall fell and was gone. No rubble left behind, like it had never even been there.  I knew with Jesus at my side, I had the strength to confront my personal monsters I created and cowered from. Instantly, He was amidst the chaos of the heart asteroids and in one smooth out stretch of His arms, brought them all together. He slowly descended towards me and asked which pieces we should put back first. I shrugged and said He had permission to put back which ever ones He wanted and on His time. I was just relieved to know He was willing to even help.

With that, he placed many pieces back into the cliff. Each one molding back into my heart like it had never been missed. But He held onto a few, just an armful that He was going to keep close. I saw one was carrying a piece of love and romance, but it was shrouded in a black fog. Another held an image of my family when I was young. It slowly focused in on my mom and her smile, then zoomed out quickly for me to see the picture of the whole family again. It just kept repeating this. I saw one more piece in Jesus’ arm, and it frightened me more than the others.

I knew I had given some of the love and romance I wanted for my wife to someone else. I knew I was ashamed of that and sad my wife would not be the first to hear those words from my mouth, but I was excited that Jesus picked that one out for us to work on!

I also knew the picture of my family and focus on my mom was about the pain I felt with my parents’ divorce. I had put all the blame on my mom, but He didn’t want it that way. Jesus wanted me to move past that and forgive my parents and help put that smile back on my mom. I was nervous about that piece, but not frightened.

The last piece He wanted to work on held something very powerful. The small fragment of my heart that contained it was merely a joke and I knew only Jesus could hold it in such a gentle way. Inside that portion of my heart, was such a destructive force to me that I didn’t want to look at it.

Memories flooded my thoughts. When I was a kid, there were times when I’d get a feeling around somebody that made me absolutely love to be with them. I would just sit there and picture them having an amazing life, doing great things and being really cool. I never said anything because I didn’t know how to talk like that. As time went on, the feelings went away and something else came in. I’d listen to friends talk about their parents. I’d get this feeling of hate, of a dark force seeping out of their pores and poisoning whatever it touched. It wasn’t that I was around really good, loving people or evil, angry kids, they were all normal, all sane everyday people. But this scared me. I didn’t like these feelings that came before that I couldn’t talk about. As years passed, the good feelings I had around people disappeared and only the bad remained. No one knew this about me, I kept it all internal where it eventually took hold.

Before long, I hated God. He made me so angry, in fact everything made me angry. I would form terrible thoughts on people and wish bad upon them. I had captured this thing I had since I was a kid, feared it, and let it become a demon that ate me inside out. All of this, of course, unknown to me. I always thought I was just weird or broken mentally. This thing gave me enormous anxiety and depression.

Years I went downhill like this. Then it all stopped the night I was born-again. God had squeezed it out of me, literally squeezed my entire body to wring out the evil that had taken ahold of me. Very interesting moment, so close to death. So all this time, over two years walking with God, those feelings never came about, not the good or bad. Until this moment when Jesus held it in His hand.

Jesus said this is my Gift from the Spirit that I was born with. Without the right direction in my childhood, the enemy grabbed a hold of it and used it against me. Now that Jesus had it back, He has blessed me with the Gift of Exhortation. The ability to encourage other believers. To feel the presence of God in them and speak to their hearts to remind them God is with them. And in a much deeper level on a personal note.

Jesus restored me! Freed me from a very deep and awful fear I carried for a long time. This shard of heart, before so frightening, now carried a brilliant light and when He put it back into my heart, the colors became more vivid, my entire heart grew, became warm, felt solid and cried out to Father for the Joy He brought me! He knew me and loved since before I could walk.

Jesus, my savior and Lord, knows my heart and is the caretaker forever and ever. He loves me more than I could understand, and will even take me to see Him work on my heart and walk me through it.

I know I have much more to learn and an endless amount of growth with Jesus, but I am so thankful He takes the time to love me and talk to me. There are still pieces of my heart that need work and that’s okay. I am eager to see where God takes my life and happy to know the Spirit has made plans for a gift He blessed me with so long ago.

Walking Through the Storm

This is not as much of a TCWPJ update as it is a personal post, nor is it an easy read. But if you are curious about the absence of my posts, here is an update on my life since December 2012…

At the end of 2012, I was anxious. I had come a long way, traveled far, and grew into who I wanted to be. I discovered things I loved about myself, found ways to enjoy the simple times of life and embarked on amazing adventures I’ll never forget. But I was not content. I still wanted a rush of more and wasn’t sure where to look. My big dream of being able to continue on the AT then cross over to another triple crown trail was falling out of sight.

I had moved back to Colorado and began a full-time job with immediate mandatory overtime. I started volunteering at my church to help run and maintain the lighting for the services. My plans to return to the Appalachian Trail were a bit hazy, but I knew I had to go back. I was struggling with finances after having a lot of down time between going back to FL after my trip to the AT and returning to CO for the winter. I had also reconnected with an ex-girlfriend and made way for a new relationship with her. Life was busy, but it was good.

As Christmas came and went, there were a few signs I chose to ignore. The most obvious being something said at church about 2013 being a year of drastic change. I read into it as a time to grow into adulthood in new ways, not ever thinking my boat would be rocked. When 2013 came around, I found myself ill prepared for what lay ahead. As much thinking, praying, and strengthening I had done, I ran into surprises that shook my foundations. 

My car was stolen from my work parking lot in the middle of the day. I was still in travel mode and had it full of my sentimental possessions and most useful tools. My insurance did not cover theft, so I was out cold. After 3 agonizing weeks trying to figure out how to bounce back, my car was found; no personal possessions inside, had been painted and trashed and then impounded. During this time, my dad suffered a severe stroke and spent 4 days in the ICU. The stress was only building. 

                         

My parents were not getting along, that was no surprise, but this was different. The tension in their household was unusually high and uncomfortable. One would assume when a loved one has to be in intensive care at the hospital that family issues might be put aside or worked out. This was not the case, as the issues exploded and made an awful situation more ugly. In certain scenarios the true priorities of others really comes to light and in this season, those true feelings were painful to bear.

The girl I was dating stood by my side, helping me along and 

supporting my needs. This put a lot of stress on a growing relationship. Although her and I had discussed living together one day, circumstances sped that date up drastically. Over the next couple months, we helped each other as best we could all while building our new life together. Sooner than later, my parents went through a very dramatic and painful divorce. I am grateful I was not in their home during this time, but watching it all unfold while my siblings struggled put a different kind of weight on my shoulders.

        

By this time, work had slowed down, I quit volunteering at the church, and I was waiting for legal papers to approve my car road worthy again and was working on moving to Washington to attend school. As hard as times got, and rough as the road was, I did my best to keep my head up while ignoring my own dreams to further those of my girlfriend. I was able to borrow a Jeep from my sister and her boyfriend for a few months. I went camping as often as possible, and tried to scrape up some good news to make each day a little brighter.  But, the Lord still had plans to break me down a little more; He was only taking His time.

Due to several months of constant stress and a few bad choices mixed in with unfortunate circumstances, I had lost my way… completely. I let myself fall into an undeserved and unearned love, turned from the issues my family struggled with in order to focus on my own relationship toils, and let someone else’s lack of commitment to God hinder mine. I had pushed off all plans to finish the AT, I quit writing and drawing, and gave up on working out. By placing my priorities in meaningless distractions, I can honestly say that during this time I knew what positive effort I was applying to all these circumstances was not nearly enough and only dragging out the inevitable end.  

                        

I found myself easily frustrated, untrusting, unhappy, and with no real friends or solid plans for a bright future. Although I’ve been in tough situations before; when I was younger and constantly making poor decisions, all this was a new kind of low. The tools, resources, and most of all, God, were right there in front of me just waiting for me to reach out. But I was stubborn and insecure. I had cast my lot in with a sinking ship and applied everything I had to save it. Little did I realize that there were other forces working against me. 

By the beginning of July, I was driving my road-illegal car, barely showing up for work enough to keep my job, was living with someone who I hardly knew anymore, and too ashamed to ask the Lord for help. 

                         

I hadn’t spoken to my mom in months, was trying to build a new relationship with my dad, and chased away any good, supportive friends who reached out to me. What a long fall I took in several months. The last couple paragraphs sound like I had been on drugs or partying, had been committing felonies or in a gang or something, but if you knew me during that time, you saw me as a normal, happy guy with normal life problems. Where I fell short, what brought me down was my lack of self-esteem. I let everyone walk all over me so I wouldn't have to face any more challenges, but I was torn up inside. I hid a lot from everyone because I wanted to be strong for the ones closest to me and I knew the end was near.

 

My girlfriend gave up on the relationship; she was making poor decisions for someone who was in a relationship and knew I didn’t deserve to be with someone who was going down the road she wanted to go. I don’t blame her, she’s young and all the stress that got dumped on a tough relationship was too much for a weak heart. But it broke mine. All I had sacrificed and every battle I had fought for her, all the commitments I had made and everyone else I let down just to carry on with this person were for nothing. Oh, but how God had given me two very clear visions of this.

The first time, He told me what to do and I listened. Then several months later, He made it very clear the type of woman I was meant to be with and I ignored Him for my own heart didn’t want to wait any longer. I thought I could make it into that relationship and then give it to Him. And since I chose to ignore His plans for me, I couldn’t help but ignore Him in other areas. I deserved the pain, on a spiritual level.

And what an amazing blessing in disguise the break-up was! Yes, I was in pieces and confused and hurt, but I immediately started piecing my life back together, one breath at a time. I used all the memories from past horrible circumstances and dark days I had lived through to pick myself up and carry on. If all the things of my past didn't kill me, then neither would the trials of this year. Each day we live through is one more piece of armor for the next day to come. 

When I left my girlfriend’s place I spent two weeks at my parents’ old house. It felt good to see my siblings and be so close to work. I made it to work on time every day, I had made a few new friends and one of them quickly became one of the best friends I have ever had. I started hiking again and discovering places I had never been before. I applied any extra time and money I had to finally getting my car on the road legally. By the end of July, the circumstances in my life had changed for the better. Although I was still not right with God, the energy I used in hiding my insecurities and struggling in a failing relationship quickly became the best tool to get on my feet and press on.

By July 31, I had my road legal car and most of my possessions with me at my new home, the Rocky Mountain front range. I spent six weeks in the mountains West of Colorado Springs and Monument. It was rough waking up very early to be at work by 5AM to shower and clean up before my shift started, but that was the hardest part. I was able to hike every day, sleep under the stars, eat food cooked by a campfire, and the best part was the time I had to spend with Elohim.

So far this year, I lost friends, lost my car and closest possessions, watched my entire family break apart and turn their backs on each other, wasted precious time in a relationship that was never meant to go anywhere, burned through a good job, struggled to remember who I was, and worst of all, I walked deep into the desert far from the Lord. The storm raged around me and grew in strength, the winds whipped at my back, the hail torn through my clothes and waves crashed on my body. I laid there curled up, not wanting to move or fight back, only hoped it would pass. I was drowning and didn’t want to admit it. So in His timing, He quit waiting for me and pulled me ashore.

He reminded me of who I was and who I was meant to be. He renewed 

my heart and strengthened my soul. All I had lost, all the stress and pain and pointless endeavors of the past several months were GOOD. I’m so thankful for what I went through, because I still hadn’t made any terrible decisions during that time, just some wrong ones that only affected my personal life which ended up being the trials I needed to go through for growth. That was the last chapter left for the boy I was and it led to the first chapter for the man I am. I am Elohim’s tool, I am for Him to use and abuse and if I try to fight that for my own selfish worldly desires, I will only fall hard.

I have made many great friends and now live with a couple of them. I have built healthy new habits, raised in the ranks at my job, found an awesome roof over my head for the winter, and have blessed plans for the future. I am more aware that I am made for the outdoors, the mountains and the rivers and the stars above my head. A went more places and had more adventures during August and September than the previous 8 months combined. 

My therapy and quiet place is with the Lord alone in nature. I know exactly the type of woman God has planned for me, and how to be the best man I can be for her. I have proven to myself that the good guy does win in the end, and that my morals and values are worth fighting for.

I may not be on speaking terms with my mom currently, but I’m okay with that because I know one day we will pick up where we left off. I have the best relationship with my dad now, he and I have never been closer or more real with each other. I may not see my siblings as much as I’d like, but a busy productive life is better than an inappropriately distracted one.  I have a few projects planned to help my thirst for more understanding and knowledge. I'm back in the gym, hitting it hard and hope to gain 20lbs by March. I'll be kicking my nicotine habit soon, again, and trading it for a healthier lifestyle. I have multiple goals paved before me that will help me reach my TCWPJ completion, but this time around in the appropriate manor.

I know I will never be perfect, I will certainly make mistakes, fall short of His glory, but I will bounce back and stand through it all. As severe as the storm gets, this smile on my face is as genuine as they come. He set me free because I chose Him, I just have to remember it’s my own prison that held me. We have every bit of knowledge and all the tools to get through the hard times, no matter how apocalyptic or catastrophic they may seem. Our attitude and moods and where our priorities lie can affect the outcome of most situations. 

Looking back, what a fool I was! I made things so much rougher and complicated than they needed to be. I let myself down and everyone around me. I am embarrassed I acted in those ways, but I regret nothing. I am proud of where I am now and where I am going. From now on, I will be walking through the storm with my eyes on Him.

Look for more updates to the Triple Crown Wilderness Photo Journal blog coming soon…

Find the fan page on Facebook, my YouTube channel and remember to subscribe to see more of my strange personal blogs. I have a few in the works; How To Build A "Green" Generator, The Road To Love OR Power: The Way of the World, and video and picture updates to inspire getting off the couch.