Roads of Love or Power

"Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life." Galations 6:7-8

 “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." Matthew 7:13-14

I stood up on the spine of the rock. Looking to my right, I saw a canyon below me with railroad tracks running next to a dried creek bed. Further out beyond the tracks were cliffs, bluffs, and more canyons. There was a wide green river past those bluffs and more canyons miles in the distance. It was beautiful country, even though the sky was filled with clouds. I imagined cowboys and Indians fighting over that land.

I looked down and adjusted the black and blue harness that clenched to my waist and thighs. The harness was as tight as I could make the straps, but still a little loose since it was made for someone larger than me. That’s okay, wiggle room was acceptable. I looked to my left from where I had climbed up from. The canyon wall I was standing on took a sharp turn and opened itself into a crescent with a sheer drop. The climb up here was a little more intense than where my comfort zone had been, but the view from this height was well worth it.

I walked forward, being the only way to go besides turning around. To my immediate left and right was empty space of an almost 130 foot exposure. I felt comfortable enough being up there since I had already spent an afternoon and a night repelling down and the past 5 hours walking back and forth on that rock. But this moment was different. I climbed into a gullet and dropped down about 6 feet to a small ledge. I was leashed into an anchored rope in case my footing was poor and a mistake was made. I didn’t expect that to happen, but an extra measure of safety didn’t hurt.

Then, I attached two carabineers to my harness and spooled up about 20 feet of rope. On the other end of the carabineers were two ropes, capable of catching more than a few tons of weight, that felt good because I was pretty sure I hadn’t gained over a couple thousand pounds in the last few days. I unhooked my leash and before me came a moment of clarity.

Here I was, standing on the edge of Corona Arch in Moab, Utah, about to throw myself off. Only solid rock at the bottom, no chance of survival. I wasn’t scared, my palms weren’t sweaty, and I could only smile. So I took a few quick steps forward and tried to jump. It was too late, I was already falling.

                Life tends to place a lot of cliffs in front of us that we’re told to climb. And the higher you go, the longer you have to fall. Some of these walls will have a directed route to go, with steps and ladders and hand rails. Others walls may be a flat rock with no visible hand holds or good footing. Sometimes you can see the top and know how far you’re going, other times the summit might be covered in clouds with a seemingly never ending climb.

I know you’ve been to these places before; you’ve put in the effort and made the climb. How was the view? Was the reward worth the work? Did it take your breath away?

I’ve been climbing my entire life. Before I could talk, I wanted to sit on my dad’s shoulders; see the world from his view, he was so much taller than me. When I was young and running through the woods, I tried climbing the tallest trees so that I could sit above the hills and see what was beyond my reach. As I grew older, I found mountains I could scale and look out to the world and wonder what lay past the horizon. My dreams were out there, my hopes were made real and my questions had answers.

We’ve always been told to chase our dreams and whatever we put our minds to could happen. We like hearing of the success others have because it gives us hope, but also because we see a new challenge to exceed. We were raised to compete, we were raised to dream big. We were raised, and then we fall.

Facts. Science. Laws and rules and regulations. Procedures, documents, paperwork, guidelines and tasks. Our perception is reality, but our perception quickly becomes coded. The imaginations of innocent children become altered and unwelcomed in society. Conform. Fall in line. Do as you’re told. Become a slave.

It’s sad to think about, but it’s true. So then, the next wall is in front of you. The first real wall of your adult life towers above you. You no longer can sit on the shoulders that once held you. Climbing the tallest tree in the forest can have dangerous consequences, and you may find another tree taller not too far away. It takes time and energy you can no longer afford to ascend the mountain that takes you above the busy life you’re consumed in. What a dark reality life really is.

                I’ve managed to hold on to the youth in my heart. It was hard at times and I’ve had my share of negative judgments by others and myself. But I keep climbing this wall of adulthood, even with slips and falls. And I have somehow been able to find enjoyment in the climb that my youth would have been proud of.

Eventually, we all get to the same point on this wall. We find that small ledge, just big enough to sit down and catch our breath. We take in the view, look down at what we had overcome and let it all soak in. We’re committed to the rest of the climb now and there’s no going back. As we look up, we see two paths. Only two ways to go. This is where things get interesting. Both paths lead up, but we can’t tell which is safer during the rest of the way.

This is life and there are only two roads to go down. When you sum up all of our choices, all of our options and decisions, they seemingly fit into two categories: love and power.

But which do you choose? Which one will have the easier way and biggest reward? One way sounds full of flowers, hugs and kisses, and lots of time baking cookies and smoking pot. The other way could be more controllable with lots of money and important tasks that people will look up to you to build into reality. It’s an easy decision if you’re an emotional person or a logical thinker. You naturally fit into one path or the other. But life happens and things change. The people around you create complications. Your circumstances may play out different than expected. You allow your heart to become tender or hardened.

That’s when you look for more. As you sit on that small ledge looking out at the canyons and rivers you wonder what else might be in your future, or what could have gone differently in your past. You start to dig into yourself and ask questions that weren’t always there. Why am I here? Where did I come from? Where am I really going? And does it all really matter?

Something happens in this moment. You feel like there is a little more there than what you’re actually seeing. You can’t help but admit that you aren’t only thinking and feeling, but living in a part of something more.

Call it what you want, but that is your soul and it is a part of something that you can never fully understand. Now you have this idea that because there is something more out there, maybe your dreams as a child weren’t too far off. Maybe you could be somebody who has shoulders to carry someone else. Maybe you can climb that tallest tree and build a fort up there so your friends can enjoy it with you. And quite possibly, you may be able to sit on the highest mountain and see over the horizon to find your hopes fulfilled. Now, how are you going to get there?

You are no longer aware of your restrictions to the logic of your mind and the pace at which your heart beats. You know whichever road you choose to take is going to mean so much than the effort or the final destination. The climb up this wall is your life and you want to do your very best with each step. Do you choose the road of love or the road of power?

Look over at the path that has power in it. Look at the people who are climbing it and see where they have gone so far. You’ll find pastors, car salesmen, nurses, presidents, kings and CEOs, drug dealers, athletes, soldiers, celebrities, cashiers, and baristas. These are all the people you talk to each day and they all want to go somewhere. You’ll see them with grand houses, new toys, wealthy friends and neighbors. They make big decisions for many people, they are “plugged in” to the progress of society and their success is graded by their peers. They crunch numbers, they align their priorities to their own dreams and seek them out. People climbing the wall of life on the path of power appear noble and know how to fight for what they want. They network, build business relationships and prefer to avoid present pain at any means possible.

The road of power looks safe because you control it with the power you’ve gained. When you retire, you have amassed great wealth, carry untold influence in the outcome of situations, and have provisions to survive dark days. These are the dreams of people who want to live life with whatever they can grasp. You know them well because you put your mind into it and fought tooth and nail for what you’ve earned. The higher you go, you find more steps and handrails placed by others before you and you ascend quicker. Now with time invested in securing your place on the path of power, you can look back at the others below you and shout advice or criticism. You have made it higher up the wall right? So why not lend a hand to those on their way up who are deserving of more or kick down those who are tugging on your foot for support. Why else did you come this way if not to achieve more control?

Looking up at the path of power, you feel good about it. You get what you want out of it. Turn your head away from that climb and gaze over the landscape spread out before you again. All those deep canyons, thirsty rivers, and giant bluffs don’t look so grand anymore. You can have them all and do what you want with them with all the experience and knowledge you’d gain by power. You can accept who you want to share your river with. You’ve earned it, haven’t you?

But that thing you felt earlier, your soul, where was it? It wasn’t there when you kicked back down those grabbing for your foot to help them up. It wasn’t there when you fired that employee because her lack of dedication to the job might have hindered your business’ growth. The people you spoke for were too picky and acted out in ways that offended you too often so you laid down the law to make them submit. You lost friends and loved ones because you focused on instant gratification and only sought after your own goals and dreams. Those you helped, you helped because if they rose they would have to help you in return.  You shut others up for fear that their ideals conflicted with yours and would harm what your efforts achieved. You had more mind than heart; you had more money than joy. You have sacrificed so much to gain what only your eyes could see.

That doesn’t sit well with most of those who see more. There are a few who see what is not in sight who choose the road of power. They prey upon the weak and innocent, they know they can rob those who mean well but are too confused to guard themselves. Cluttered on the road of power you will always find thieves and liars, there always are bandits and scavengers, manipulators and charmers. They are cunning and deceitful and if you spot them on your way up the wall, you will surely struggle to get around them. They loosen the bolts in the handrails and lay sand on the steps ahead of you.

I know their ways; I once plotted and schemed with them. I chose the road of power because I saw favor in riches, because I unlocked knowledge that was not given nor rightfully earned. And just like those that lay awake in the night, craving pleasures for my flesh and own desires, I fell.

                I fell far and hard. I knocked down others that were below me, that I had climbed over and pushed back. My mistakes hurt them and they suffered as I suffered. I crashed back down on that small ledge and slid to the end. My hand reached for support and found none. I cried out when my body hung over the wall that I had climbed up during my youth. And just before I dropped down to the rocks below, my fingers caught onto something. It wasn’t much and I didn’t know if it would hold my weight, but I held to it with every bit of strength left in me. I scrambled back to the safety of that small ledge. I lay on my back with my feet hanging off and caught my breath. I rolled my head to look at what my fingers had found a hold to.

There was nothing there. Just smooth rock under me and all around. How could that be? I know there was something that I grabbed onto that kept me from falling. My mind raced over what had happened. Every hand hold and foot hold on the path I took before was marked and in plain sight. That was the way you had to climb, knowing that you can see where to go and that the way was laid out. But whatever saved me from falling wasn’t there. There was something more that I couldn’t see.

I sat up and felt grateful for a second chance. I knew the path of power was a good way to keep climbing because I could make it what I wanted it to be. But that thing I felt before, that soul thing seemed so absent. There was always this shallow feeling that each step couldn’t be trusted, and trouble might be around the corner. No matter how far I had gone, I never really believed the reward at the top was as good as it could possibly get, there was always going to be more to go after.

                Okay, so there was more than meets the eye. You sit on that small ledge and look up at the wall where your life leads. You tilt your head in the direction of the path of love. It sounds like a joke for kids, for hippies and cowards. Love? Really? You have an option to achieve everything you’ve ever wanted, all you’ve been told, all the facts and science and leaders of this world say you need more. You need control and to stand on the pillars and carve your name in stone because you grabbed all the power that lay before you. Why would you want to go after butterflies and unicorns and things of emotion? That sounded like a gamble, with odds stacked against you when it came to your dreams.

Isn’t that what dreams are really about though? Have you ever dreamt of a life that put a smile on your face every moment, which filled your wildest fantasies and went beyond anything you thought possible? Haven’t you ever hoped for more, wanted to know what was down the rabbit hole? Why not explore this feeling your soul was giving you?

You look at the people climbing the path of love. They are spread out and you can’t tell who they are. You’ve never seen any of them before and you can’t see any ladders, steps or handrails. It looks like a tough climb, with overhangs and high wind. You start to wonder if you’ll fall from this path like I did from the last one. If you do, you can tell you won’t be so lucky this time to fall back towards this small ledge. But you see others climbing it; they are brave enough to actually try to take this path that seems ridiculously unsound. They look all alone where they climb and they don’t have possessions or better gear as they get higher, in fact, they have less.

But you can’t deny this feeling in your soul. The longer you sit there and think about it, the more you’re convinced there is something you’re not quite seeing. So why not try this path? You know you can manage working your way back up the other one if you need to, but this one had something to it. If you’re going to do your best at climbing your way through life, you may as well put your second chance into the one that is the most mysterious.

                I stood on my feet again and put my hands on the wall closest to the path of love. I couldn’t see where the first two hand holds were. I slid my hands across the surface of the stone slowly stretching my arms out, I found nothing. How did the others start this part? I knew there was something there, there had to be. So I checked again, slid my hands over the rock as far as I could reach. I knew something had to be there, I just wasn’t seeing it. But I didn’t see that finger hold when I almost fell to my death either. So, I closed my eyes and focused my thoughts on feeling with my fingers.

And there it was, a small groove I could tuck my fingers into. Then another one for my other hand. Okay, so there’s more to this path than meets the eye. The more I climbed, the more I focused on finding what I couldn’t see, but feel. Somehow, each hold was in the perfect spot. My hands fit nicely and held firm, my feet never slipped and the rock seemed to want to grip to my shoes. It felt good to climb like this, to trust that each hold would be there and hold my weight.

The higher I got, the easier the climb became. I knew where to extend my reach, I almost didn’t even have to try, just lift myself up to the next spot. I came across others after a while and they calmly smiled back at me. We never said anything to each other, a smile was more than enough for encouragement. Once in a while, I found someone from the path of power who was clinging to the wall, scared and tired. I reached out to them and helped them cross over to the path I was taking. They thanked me, rested, and continued to climb with me, smiling the entire way.

After a long time, I had been through rain and storms, found myself off course when I was distracted with my thoughts of my dreams, but always found a way to keep climbing and work back into the path of love. Everyone climbed at a different pace, but always gave others an encouraging smile. I was surprised to learn that my dreams and goals had been achieved without me trying for them. Everything was earned, but it felt so easy to get there. Eventually, my hands started to fade away, my weight felt less with each step, and the smiles around me became bigger.

I had forgotten what it was like to climb with those on the way to power. I couldn’t remember what my dreams were or where my hopes lie. I wanted all those smiling faces around me to keep smiling and I just kept wishing they would reach their own goals. I looked below me, gazed at what I had climbed over and felt happy, truly happy I had come this far. Those below me were still working their way up and they were still smiling. Those above me seemed to climb faster and easier, even though all the hand holds stayed the same small holds. There were no steps this high up, you simply knew you’d find a way.

And so this path we climb. We climb higher, not knowing exactly what is at the top of the wall, but not caring only smiling.

                This is faith in God. The more you let go of the rhythms this world makes, the more you believe in what you can’t see, is when you realize it’s not all about you. God wants you to succeed and live an abundant life. He doesn’t want you to struggle or fail, but He’s not going to carry you to where He’d like you to start. You have to make the choice to believe there’s more out there, there’s more than meets the eye.

Jesus didn’t come to rebuke you and point out your flaws, He didn’t come to teach you to do good works in order to get into heaven. Jesus came for your heart. He cares for you and can’t wait to see you smile. The more faith you give the Holy Spirit to work in your life, the more blessings He fills your life with. And when you see Him work for you and help you and give you the things on your heart, you give Him even more faith than you had before.

This wall is a battle ground. It’s full of decisions you have to make, agreements disguised in power. The enemy will always try to make you fall, he wants you to be distracted and hate yourself. He wants you to struggle and get lost deep in his deceit because hates to see you smile.

The climb isn’t easy, nor does it appear safe, for this is the world the devil has turned it into. But Elohim, your loving Father, will take care of you each moment, with each step. Trust Him, let Him catch you and choose not to ignore when He gives you a second chance. It’s not too late, learn to love, truly love. Forgive yourself for your mistakes; let His light bring your heart out of the shadow of darkness it’s been in far too long. You have countless opportunities lying in front of you, so make the best of them and choose not to sacrifice others to reach your goals, or your rewards will be slight and short lived. There is a raging war for your soul, you specifically, and the enemy will keep you blinded from that fact as long as he can. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in him, because he believes in taking your soul either way. The very moment a red flag goes up, the exact time you tell yourself you’re not good enough or too weak or too lost, is a moment to fight back. You are good enough, you are loved, you deserve better, and you certainly don’t need to give up.

So choose the road that fits you best and own that choice, but don’t ignore that there is more than meets the eye.

                As I fell from the arch, I thought about death. What if I did hit the ground and die? The people watching would have been traumatized. My family would have to take another blow this year that would again break their hearts. But that was it. The world would keep spinning, my job would be filled, my friends would make new friends and carry on and my family would recover and appreciate the time they have together so much deeper. I had no regrets, I was climbing the path of love and I was living life with pure joy as a blessing from Jesus.

But I wasn’t going to die. The ropes, bolts and gear were safe. I was caught in the 100 foot swing and carried through safely. I had surrounded myself with intelligent people, sound minds, and sharers of love. No, it wasn’t a hippy gathering. I had never even met these people before my journey to Moab began, yet they wanted to live life abundantly, share that with others safely, and respect the balance of love and power that this world hangs on. When you give God all of your faith, faith like a child, and give Him ALL things, the rewards are endless.

Living for the Lord doesn’t mean going to church every week, praying over others, and doing “good” works. It means giving your whole heart to Him, and having the ears to hear His Word, the eyes to see His plans, and the simple belief that He will save you just because He loves you. Climb on, forget what you think you know and just believe He’ll catch you. It’s as simple as that. Make it easy on yourself, stop with all the distractions and excuses, they get you nowhere.

When you stop crying out to Him because you’re suffering, and you cry out to Him because of all that He’s blessed you with that you haven’t earned, you’ll see His hand at work in your life. He’ll teach you more than you could ever imagine, and He’ll give you more than you’ll ever deserve, and He’ll love you more than you’ll ever know. Smile, because God is!

Caretaker

I journal when I feel my thoughts and feelings are too deep to say aloud or process in my own head. Most of my journaling will never make it on to the internet, as it is for my own growth and for me alone. But there are times when my heart tells me to share with those who have to ears to hear and eyes to see what is beyond the things of this world.

I am writing this on November 25^th in the year 2013 and I write this down as it pours out of me. It has taken me a while to put into words something that happened to me on November 11^th.

On 11/11 I spent some time with the Word in the morning. I felt a burden in my heart, a wall was put up that I could not see around or climb over. This wall was thick, made of many red and maroon bricks and few grey ones and I feel its weight just by standing near it. Behind me was the landscape of my heart. Brilliant colors pulsed across its surface and I could sense this wave moving throughout it. The wave was warm and comforting. I knew Jesus was in that wave, tending to my heart. He already spent so much time making repairs, filling gaps, restoring dead and hardened areas. He had let His springs and wells over flow the surface and washed away the trash and dirt that cluttered the temple of my heart. But there was this wall, this giant obstacle that I knew nothing about, and Jesus had not broken it down. Why did He leave it up? Why was this wall such a mystery to me and why did I feel it only now?

When I arrived at work, I prayed over my job, my co-workers, my family and my faith. I thought that maybe I just needed to let some love out to God for others and my wall would fall. That’s when I realized the wall was a hindrance. The wall itself was a self-made distraction. The wall wasn’t the issue, it was what was behind the wall that I was meant to learn about, but didn’t want to confront it. So I reached out, I asked Zac and Tara for prayer, for them to ask Jesus for clarity to the issue at hand.

During work, I continued to pray and seek answers to why I would build this wall. I could tell it took time and energy and resources to stack those bricks. The trouble I went through to keep myself away and safe. Safe! LIE! I did not build this wall to be safe, I built it to hide and cower from TRUTH. That’s a strange feeling to have while working.

I went to my car on break and read a message from Zac… “Well I had a vision of you trying to get up a ladder in a tree and no one would help you. You were just a young boy and everyone else was in the tree but you. And your heart was hurt and felt abandoned and alone in the deepest sense of the word. Then the Father led me to this verse in Matthew (funny) chapter 10 verses 26-31. Focused on 26 and 27. ‘26 But don’t be afraid of those who threaten you. For the time is coming when everything that is covered will be revealed, and all that is secret will be made known. 27 What I tell you now in darkness, shout abroad when daybreak comes. What I whisper in your ear, shout from the housetops for all to hear!’ –Jesus”

This gave me the courage, no my own weakness and flesh lacked the courage. Jesus strengthened me enough to peer around my wall and see beyond it. My heart had a cliff, a jagged sharp cliff that fell into nothing. But out beyond my grasp were pieces and chunks of my heart, floating around. It looked like an asteroid field from Star Wars. Each piece broken off from my heart had a tint of red, but with a slight transparency to it so that I could see what was inside the fragment. There were so many pieces of my heart that it was rough to look at. Some pieces held memories; forgotten childhood dreams, injuries and physical pain, fears and moments crying, mistakes, lost friends and past girlfriends. Some pieces also held thoughts and feelings. I saw one piece that is hard to describe, but I knew “panic” was inside. So many shards broken off my heart. This didn’t seem right. I had Jesus, forgiveness, redemption, and most of all, love. Why did my heart look this?

My heart. My issues because of my flesh. These were not things Jesus was just going to sweep under the rug and call everything good. He wanted to sit with me and talk about each one, to show me truth behind them, give me understanding and give Him more of me in return.

The wall fell and was gone. No rubble left behind, like it had never even been there.  I knew with Jesus at my side, I had the strength to confront my personal monsters I created and cowered from. Instantly, He was amidst the chaos of the heart asteroids and in one smooth out stretch of His arms, brought them all together. He slowly descended towards me and asked which pieces we should put back first. I shrugged and said He had permission to put back which ever ones He wanted and on His time. I was just relieved to know He was willing to even help.

With that, he placed many pieces back into the cliff. Each one molding back into my heart like it had never been missed. But He held onto a few, just an armful that He was going to keep close. I saw one was carrying a piece of love and romance, but it was shrouded in a black fog. Another held an image of my family when I was young. It slowly focused in on my mom and her smile, then zoomed out quickly for me to see the picture of the whole family again. It just kept repeating this. I saw one more piece in Jesus’ arm, and it frightened me more than the others.

I knew I had given some of the love and romance I wanted for my wife to someone else. I knew I was ashamed of that and sad my wife would not be the first to hear those words from my mouth, but I was excited that Jesus picked that one out for us to work on!

I also knew the picture of my family and focus on my mom was about the pain I felt with my parents’ divorce. I had put all the blame on my mom, but He didn’t want it that way. Jesus wanted me to move past that and forgive my parents and help put that smile back on my mom. I was nervous about that piece, but not frightened.

The last piece He wanted to work on held something very powerful. The small fragment of my heart that contained it was merely a joke and I knew only Jesus could hold it in such a gentle way. Inside that portion of my heart, was such a destructive force to me that I didn’t want to look at it.

Memories flooded my thoughts. When I was a kid, there were times when I’d get a feeling around somebody that made me absolutely love to be with them. I would just sit there and picture them having an amazing life, doing great things and being really cool. I never said anything because I didn’t know how to talk like that. As time went on, the feelings went away and something else came in. I’d listen to friends talk about their parents. I’d get this feeling of hate, of a dark force seeping out of their pores and poisoning whatever it touched. It wasn’t that I was around really good, loving people or evil, angry kids, they were all normal, all sane everyday people. But this scared me. I didn’t like these feelings that came before that I couldn’t talk about. As years passed, the good feelings I had around people disappeared and only the bad remained. No one knew this about me, I kept it all internal where it eventually took hold.

Before long, I hated God. He made me so angry, in fact everything made me angry. I would form terrible thoughts on people and wish bad upon them. I had captured this thing I had since I was a kid, feared it, and let it become a demon that ate me inside out. All of this, of course, unknown to me. I always thought I was just weird or broken mentally. This thing gave me enormous anxiety and depression.

Years I went downhill like this. Then it all stopped the night I was born-again. God had squeezed it out of me, literally squeezed my entire body to wring out the evil that had taken ahold of me. Very interesting moment, so close to death. So all this time, over two years walking with God, those feelings never came about, not the good or bad. Until this moment when Jesus held it in His hand.

Jesus said this is my Gift from the Spirit that I was born with. Without the right direction in my childhood, the enemy grabbed a hold of it and used it against me. Now that Jesus had it back, He has blessed me with the Gift of Exhortation. The ability to encourage other believers. To feel the presence of God in them and speak to their hearts to remind them God is with them. And in a much deeper level on a personal note.

Jesus restored me! Freed me from a very deep and awful fear I carried for a long time. This shard of heart, before so frightening, now carried a brilliant light and when He put it back into my heart, the colors became more vivid, my entire heart grew, became warm, felt solid and cried out to Father for the Joy He brought me! He knew me and loved since before I could walk.

Jesus, my savior and Lord, knows my heart and is the caretaker forever and ever. He loves me more than I could understand, and will even take me to see Him work on my heart and walk me through it.

I know I have much more to learn and an endless amount of growth with Jesus, but I am so thankful He takes the time to love me and talk to me. There are still pieces of my heart that need work and that’s okay. I am eager to see where God takes my life and happy to know the Spirit has made plans for a gift He blessed me with so long ago.