This is not as much of a TCWPJ update as it is a personal post, nor is it an easy read. But if you are curious about the absence of my posts, here is an update on my life since December 2012…
At the end of 2012, I was anxious. I had come a long way, traveled far, and grew into who I wanted to be. I discovered things I loved about myself, found ways to enjoy the simple times of life and embarked on amazing adventures I’ll never forget. But I was not content. I still wanted a rush of more and wasn’t sure where to look. My big dream of being able to continue on the AT then cross over to another triple crown trail was falling out of sight.
I had moved back to Colorado and began a full-time job with
immediate mandatory overtime. I started volunteering at my church to help run
and maintain the lighting for the services. My plans to return to the
Appalachian Trail were a bit hazy, but I knew I had to go back. I was
struggling with finances after having a lot of down time between going back to
FL after my trip to the AT and returning to CO for the winter. I had also
reconnected with an ex-girlfriend and made way for a new relationship with her.
Life was busy, but it was good.
As Christmas came and went, there were a few signs I chose
to ignore. The most obvious being something said at church about 2013 being a
year of drastic change. I read into it as a time to grow into adulthood in new
ways, not ever thinking my boat would be rocked. When 2013 came around, I found
myself ill prepared for what lay ahead. As much thinking, praying, and
strengthening I had done, I ran into surprises that shook my foundations.
My car was stolen from my work parking lot in the middle of
the day. I was still in travel mode and had it full of my sentimental
possessions and most useful tools. My insurance did not cover theft, so I was
out cold. After 3 agonizing weeks trying to figure out how to bounce back, my
car was found; no personal possessions inside, had been painted and trashed and then impounded. During this time, my dad suffered a severe stroke
and spent 4 days in the ICU. The stress was only building.
My parents were not getting along, that was no surprise, but
this was different. The tension in their household was unusually high and
uncomfortable. One would assume when a loved one has to be in intensive care at
the hospital that family issues might be put aside or worked out. This was not
the case, as the issues exploded and made an awful situation more ugly. In
certain scenarios the true priorities of others really comes to light and in
this season, those true feelings were painful to bear.
The girl I was dating stood by my side, helping me along and
supporting my needs. This put a lot of stress on a growing relationship.
Although her and I had discussed living together one day, circumstances sped
that date up drastically. Over the next couple months, we helped each other as
best we could all while building our new life together. Sooner than later, my parents
went through a very dramatic and painful divorce. I am grateful I was not in
their home during this time, but watching it all unfold while my siblings
struggled put a different kind of weight on my shoulders.
By this time, work had slowed down, I quit volunteering at
the church, and I was waiting for legal papers to approve my car road worthy
again and was working on moving to Washington to attend school. As hard as times
got, and rough as the road was, I did my best to keep my head up while ignoring
my own dreams to further those of my girlfriend. I was able to borrow a Jeep
from my sister and her boyfriend for a few months. I went camping as often as
possible, and tried to scrape up some good news to make each day a little brighter. But, the Lord still had plans to break me down
a little more; He was only taking His time.
Due to several months of constant stress and a few bad
choices mixed in with unfortunate circumstances, I had lost my way… completely.
I let myself fall into an undeserved and unearned love, turned from the issues
my family struggled with in order to focus on my own relationship toils, and
let someone else’s lack of commitment to God hinder mine. I had pushed off all plans
to finish the AT, I quit writing and drawing, and gave up on working out. By
placing my priorities in meaningless distractions, I can honestly say that
during this time I knew what positive effort I was applying to all these circumstances
was not nearly enough and only dragging out the inevitable end. 
I found myself easily frustrated, untrusting, unhappy, and with
no real friends or solid plans for a bright future. Although I’ve been in tough
situations before; when I was younger and constantly making poor decisions, all
this was a new kind of low. The tools, resources, and most of all, God, were
right there in front of me just waiting for me to reach out. But I was stubborn
and insecure. I had cast my lot in with a sinking ship and applied everything I
had to save it. Little did I realize that there were other forces working
against me.
By the beginning of July, I was driving my road-illegal car,
barely showing up for work enough to keep my job, was living with someone who I
hardly knew anymore, and too ashamed to ask the Lord for help.
I hadn’t spoken
to my mom in months, was trying to build a new relationship with my dad, and
chased away any good, supportive friends who reached out to me. What a long
fall I took in several months. The last couple paragraphs sound like I had been
on drugs or partying, had been committing felonies or in a gang or something,
but if you knew me during that time, you saw me as a normal, happy guy with
normal life problems. Where I fell short, what brought me down was my lack of
self-esteem. I let everyone walk all over me so I wouldn't have to face any more challenges, but I was torn up inside. I hid a lot from everyone because I wanted to be strong for the
ones closest to me and I knew the end was near.
My girlfriend gave up on the relationship; she was making poor
decisions for someone who was in a relationship and knew I didn’t deserve to be
with someone who was going down the road she wanted to go. I don’t blame her, she’s
young and all the stress that got dumped on a tough relationship was too much for
a weak heart. But it broke mine. All I had sacrificed and every battle I had fought
for her, all the commitments I had made and everyone else I let down just to
carry on with this person were for nothing. Oh, but how God had given me two
very clear visions of this.
The first time, He told me what to do and I listened. Then
several months later, He made it very clear the
type of woman I was meant to be with and I ignored Him for my own heart didn’t
want to wait any longer. I thought I could make it into that relationship and
then give it to Him. And since I chose to ignore His plans for me, I couldn’t
help but ignore Him in other areas. I deserved the pain, on a spiritual level.
And what an amazing blessing in disguise the break-up was!
Yes, I was in pieces and confused and hurt, but I immediately started piecing my
life back together, one breath at a time. I used all the memories from past
horrible circumstances and dark days I had lived through to pick myself up and
carry on. If all the things of my past didn't kill me, then neither would the trials of this year. Each day we live through is one more piece of armor for the next day
to come. 
When I left my girlfriend’s place I spent two weeks at my
parents’ old house. It felt good to see my siblings and be so close to work. I
made it to work on time every day, I had made a few new friends and one of them
quickly became one of the best friends I have ever had. I started hiking again
and discovering places I had never been before. I applied any extra time and
money I had to finally getting my car on the road legally. By the end of July,
the circumstances in my life had changed for the better. Although I was still
not right with God, the energy I used in hiding my insecurities and struggling
in a failing relationship quickly became the best tool to get on my feet and press on.
By July 31, I had my road legal car and most of my
possessions with me at my new home, the Rocky Mountain front range. I spent six
weeks in the mountains West of Colorado Springs and Monument. It was rough
waking up very early to be at work by 5AM to shower and clean up before my
shift started, but that was the hardest part. I was able to hike every day,
sleep under the stars, eat food cooked by a campfire, and the best part was the
time I had to spend with Elohim.
So far this year, I lost friends, lost my car and closest
possessions, watched my entire family break apart and turn their backs on each other,
wasted precious time in a relationship that was never meant to go anywhere, burned
through a good job, struggled to remember who I was, and worst of all, I walked
deep into the desert far from the Lord. The storm raged around me and grew in
strength, the winds whipped at my back, the hail torn through my clothes and
waves crashed on my body. I laid there curled up, not wanting to move or fight
back, only hoped it would pass. I was drowning and didn’t want to admit it. So
in His timing, He quit waiting for me and pulled me ashore.
He reminded me of who I was and who I was meant to be. He
renewed
my heart and strengthened my soul. All I had lost, all the stress and
pain and pointless endeavors of the past several months were GOOD. I’m so
thankful for what I went through, because I still hadn’t made any terrible
decisions during that time, just some wrong ones that only affected my personal
life which ended up being the trials I needed to go through for growth. That
was the last chapter left for the boy I was and it led to the first chapter for
the man I am. I am Elohim’s tool, I am for Him to use and abuse and if I try to
fight that for my own selfish worldly desires, I will only fall hard.
I have made many great friends and now live with a couple of
them. I have built healthy new habits, raised in the ranks at my job, found an
awesome roof over my head for the winter, and have blessed plans for the
future. I am more aware that I am made for the outdoors, the mountains and the
rivers and the stars above my head. A went more places and had more adventures during August and September than the previous 8 months combined.
I may not be on speaking terms with my mom currently, but I’m
okay with that because I know one day we will pick up where we left off. I have
the best relationship with my dad now, he and I have never been closer or more
real with each other. I may not see my siblings as much as I’d like, but a busy
productive life is better than an inappropriately distracted one. I have a few projects planned to help my
thirst for more understanding and knowledge. I'm back in the gym, hitting it hard and hope to gain 20lbs by March. I'll be kicking my nicotine habit soon, again, and trading it for a healthier lifestyle. I have multiple goals paved before
me that will help me reach my TCWPJ completion, but this time around in the
appropriate manor. 
I know I will never be perfect, I will certainly make
mistakes, fall short of His glory, but I will bounce back and stand through it
all. As severe as the storm gets, this smile on my face is as genuine as they
come. He set me free because I chose Him, I just have to remember it’s my own
prison that held me. We have every bit of knowledge and all the tools to get through the
hard times, no matter how apocalyptic or catastrophic they may seem. Our attitude
and moods and where our priorities lie can affect the outcome of most
situations.
Looking back, what a fool I was! I made things so much
rougher and complicated than they needed to be. I let myself down and everyone
around me. I am embarrassed I acted in those ways, but I regret nothing. I am
proud of where I am now and where I am going. From now on, I will be walking through the storm with my eyes on Him.
Look for more updates to the Triple Crown Wilderness Photo
Journal blog coming soon…
Find the fan page on Facebook, my YouTube channel and
remember to subscribe to see more of my strange personal blogs. I have a few in the works; How To Build A "Green" Generator, The Road To Love OR Power: The Way of the World, and video and picture updates to inspire getting off the couch.
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