Walking Through the Storm

This is not as much of a TCWPJ update as it is a personal post, nor is it an easy read. But if you are curious about the absence of my posts, here is an update on my life since December 2012…

At the end of 2012, I was anxious. I had come a long way, traveled far, and grew into who I wanted to be. I discovered things I loved about myself, found ways to enjoy the simple times of life and embarked on amazing adventures I’ll never forget. But I was not content. I still wanted a rush of more and wasn’t sure where to look. My big dream of being able to continue on the AT then cross over to another triple crown trail was falling out of sight.

I had moved back to Colorado and began a full-time job with immediate mandatory overtime. I started volunteering at my church to help run and maintain the lighting for the services. My plans to return to the Appalachian Trail were a bit hazy, but I knew I had to go back. I was struggling with finances after having a lot of down time between going back to FL after my trip to the AT and returning to CO for the winter. I had also reconnected with an ex-girlfriend and made way for a new relationship with her. Life was busy, but it was good.

As Christmas came and went, there were a few signs I chose to ignore. The most obvious being something said at church about 2013 being a year of drastic change. I read into it as a time to grow into adulthood in new ways, not ever thinking my boat would be rocked. When 2013 came around, I found myself ill prepared for what lay ahead. As much thinking, praying, and strengthening I had done, I ran into surprises that shook my foundations. 

My car was stolen from my work parking lot in the middle of the day. I was still in travel mode and had it full of my sentimental possessions and most useful tools. My insurance did not cover theft, so I was out cold. After 3 agonizing weeks trying to figure out how to bounce back, my car was found; no personal possessions inside, had been painted and trashed and then impounded. During this time, my dad suffered a severe stroke and spent 4 days in the ICU. The stress was only building. 

                         

My parents were not getting along, that was no surprise, but this was different. The tension in their household was unusually high and uncomfortable. One would assume when a loved one has to be in intensive care at the hospital that family issues might be put aside or worked out. This was not the case, as the issues exploded and made an awful situation more ugly. In certain scenarios the true priorities of others really comes to light and in this season, those true feelings were painful to bear.

The girl I was dating stood by my side, helping me along and 

supporting my needs. This put a lot of stress on a growing relationship. Although her and I had discussed living together one day, circumstances sped that date up drastically. Over the next couple months, we helped each other as best we could all while building our new life together. Sooner than later, my parents went through a very dramatic and painful divorce. I am grateful I was not in their home during this time, but watching it all unfold while my siblings struggled put a different kind of weight on my shoulders.

        

By this time, work had slowed down, I quit volunteering at the church, and I was waiting for legal papers to approve my car road worthy again and was working on moving to Washington to attend school. As hard as times got, and rough as the road was, I did my best to keep my head up while ignoring my own dreams to further those of my girlfriend. I was able to borrow a Jeep from my sister and her boyfriend for a few months. I went camping as often as possible, and tried to scrape up some good news to make each day a little brighter.  But, the Lord still had plans to break me down a little more; He was only taking His time.

Due to several months of constant stress and a few bad choices mixed in with unfortunate circumstances, I had lost my way… completely. I let myself fall into an undeserved and unearned love, turned from the issues my family struggled with in order to focus on my own relationship toils, and let someone else’s lack of commitment to God hinder mine. I had pushed off all plans to finish the AT, I quit writing and drawing, and gave up on working out. By placing my priorities in meaningless distractions, I can honestly say that during this time I knew what positive effort I was applying to all these circumstances was not nearly enough and only dragging out the inevitable end.  

                        

I found myself easily frustrated, untrusting, unhappy, and with no real friends or solid plans for a bright future. Although I’ve been in tough situations before; when I was younger and constantly making poor decisions, all this was a new kind of low. The tools, resources, and most of all, God, were right there in front of me just waiting for me to reach out. But I was stubborn and insecure. I had cast my lot in with a sinking ship and applied everything I had to save it. Little did I realize that there were other forces working against me. 

By the beginning of July, I was driving my road-illegal car, barely showing up for work enough to keep my job, was living with someone who I hardly knew anymore, and too ashamed to ask the Lord for help. 

                         

I hadn’t spoken to my mom in months, was trying to build a new relationship with my dad, and chased away any good, supportive friends who reached out to me. What a long fall I took in several months. The last couple paragraphs sound like I had been on drugs or partying, had been committing felonies or in a gang or something, but if you knew me during that time, you saw me as a normal, happy guy with normal life problems. Where I fell short, what brought me down was my lack of self-esteem. I let everyone walk all over me so I wouldn't have to face any more challenges, but I was torn up inside. I hid a lot from everyone because I wanted to be strong for the ones closest to me and I knew the end was near.

 

My girlfriend gave up on the relationship; she was making poor decisions for someone who was in a relationship and knew I didn’t deserve to be with someone who was going down the road she wanted to go. I don’t blame her, she’s young and all the stress that got dumped on a tough relationship was too much for a weak heart. But it broke mine. All I had sacrificed and every battle I had fought for her, all the commitments I had made and everyone else I let down just to carry on with this person were for nothing. Oh, but how God had given me two very clear visions of this.

The first time, He told me what to do and I listened. Then several months later, He made it very clear the type of woman I was meant to be with and I ignored Him for my own heart didn’t want to wait any longer. I thought I could make it into that relationship and then give it to Him. And since I chose to ignore His plans for me, I couldn’t help but ignore Him in other areas. I deserved the pain, on a spiritual level.

And what an amazing blessing in disguise the break-up was! Yes, I was in pieces and confused and hurt, but I immediately started piecing my life back together, one breath at a time. I used all the memories from past horrible circumstances and dark days I had lived through to pick myself up and carry on. If all the things of my past didn't kill me, then neither would the trials of this year. Each day we live through is one more piece of armor for the next day to come. 

When I left my girlfriend’s place I spent two weeks at my parents’ old house. It felt good to see my siblings and be so close to work. I made it to work on time every day, I had made a few new friends and one of them quickly became one of the best friends I have ever had. I started hiking again and discovering places I had never been before. I applied any extra time and money I had to finally getting my car on the road legally. By the end of July, the circumstances in my life had changed for the better. Although I was still not right with God, the energy I used in hiding my insecurities and struggling in a failing relationship quickly became the best tool to get on my feet and press on.

By July 31, I had my road legal car and most of my possessions with me at my new home, the Rocky Mountain front range. I spent six weeks in the mountains West of Colorado Springs and Monument. It was rough waking up very early to be at work by 5AM to shower and clean up before my shift started, but that was the hardest part. I was able to hike every day, sleep under the stars, eat food cooked by a campfire, and the best part was the time I had to spend with Elohim.

So far this year, I lost friends, lost my car and closest possessions, watched my entire family break apart and turn their backs on each other, wasted precious time in a relationship that was never meant to go anywhere, burned through a good job, struggled to remember who I was, and worst of all, I walked deep into the desert far from the Lord. The storm raged around me and grew in strength, the winds whipped at my back, the hail torn through my clothes and waves crashed on my body. I laid there curled up, not wanting to move or fight back, only hoped it would pass. I was drowning and didn’t want to admit it. So in His timing, He quit waiting for me and pulled me ashore.

He reminded me of who I was and who I was meant to be. He renewed 

my heart and strengthened my soul. All I had lost, all the stress and pain and pointless endeavors of the past several months were GOOD. I’m so thankful for what I went through, because I still hadn’t made any terrible decisions during that time, just some wrong ones that only affected my personal life which ended up being the trials I needed to go through for growth. That was the last chapter left for the boy I was and it led to the first chapter for the man I am. I am Elohim’s tool, I am for Him to use and abuse and if I try to fight that for my own selfish worldly desires, I will only fall hard.

I have made many great friends and now live with a couple of them. I have built healthy new habits, raised in the ranks at my job, found an awesome roof over my head for the winter, and have blessed plans for the future. I am more aware that I am made for the outdoors, the mountains and the rivers and the stars above my head. A went more places and had more adventures during August and September than the previous 8 months combined. 

My therapy and quiet place is with the Lord alone in nature. I know exactly the type of woman God has planned for me, and how to be the best man I can be for her. I have proven to myself that the good guy does win in the end, and that my morals and values are worth fighting for.

I may not be on speaking terms with my mom currently, but I’m okay with that because I know one day we will pick up where we left off. I have the best relationship with my dad now, he and I have never been closer or more real with each other. I may not see my siblings as much as I’d like, but a busy productive life is better than an inappropriately distracted one.  I have a few projects planned to help my thirst for more understanding and knowledge. I'm back in the gym, hitting it hard and hope to gain 20lbs by March. I'll be kicking my nicotine habit soon, again, and trading it for a healthier lifestyle. I have multiple goals paved before me that will help me reach my TCWPJ completion, but this time around in the appropriate manor.

I know I will never be perfect, I will certainly make mistakes, fall short of His glory, but I will bounce back and stand through it all. As severe as the storm gets, this smile on my face is as genuine as they come. He set me free because I chose Him, I just have to remember it’s my own prison that held me. We have every bit of knowledge and all the tools to get through the hard times, no matter how apocalyptic or catastrophic they may seem. Our attitude and moods and where our priorities lie can affect the outcome of most situations. 

Looking back, what a fool I was! I made things so much rougher and complicated than they needed to be. I let myself down and everyone around me. I am embarrassed I acted in those ways, but I regret nothing. I am proud of where I am now and where I am going. From now on, I will be walking through the storm with my eyes on Him.

Look for more updates to the Triple Crown Wilderness Photo Journal blog coming soon…

Find the fan page on Facebook, my YouTube channel and remember to subscribe to see more of my strange personal blogs. I have a few in the works; How To Build A "Green" Generator, The Road To Love OR Power: The Way of the World, and video and picture updates to inspire getting off the couch.

New Blogs Coming Soon...

I will be posting more blogs soon. My computer has been giving me problems and I haven't been able to finish any projects on it for a while, but I have most of the issues fixed.

Here's a few pictures from the last few months...

Degrees of Waiting

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Colossians 3:12-14

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9

I am waiting. I wait for God, I wait for fellowship, I wait for knowledge, I wait for truth, I wait for my continued journey, and I wait for love. Through patience we learn our strengths and weaknesses, and we learn how to overcome obstacles that once seemed impermeable. We tend to frown upon the idea of waiting and being idle, but amongst great odds, waiting is not giving up, it is growing up. Take heed; do not wait for this life to pass you by or allow opportunities to move away; instead, wait on growth and for a change that is internal.

If we continue to be idle in the progression of our lives, we will certainly miss the moments when God reveals miracles and sets a new path before us. There is a fine line to what is acceptable to wait on and what is a sin to wait for. Working on the patience in your life can be one of the most loving acts we can show another. I know the Lord had waited on me for a long time until I came to see His face. From this, he has taught me to wait on others and wait for growth.

I am not a perfect man of God, and there some days when forget that I must bear the fruit of the Spirit. I know my faults and where my guilt lies and what might stubble my walk with Jesus. In order to persevere through my own downfalls and transgressions, I ask Him for strength and to teach me how to be a better man for His honor. I must wait on this change, for each step takes time and a leap forward has the unintended possibility of missing guidance. “Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” Psalm 25:4-5

As I walk with God and listen to the words of Jesus, I open my eyes to other aspects of my life. I see where I am broken, lost, or confused. I see where my morals and values are righteous, but where I lack the ability to use them as my foundation. I do not feel at all that I have fallen away from His glory, nor am I roaming in the desert. I do, however, feel that poor decisions have been made on my part pertaining to the happiness of others. I also see that others have made bad poor decisions in relation to my happiness and well-being, and I made my anger an unhealthy distraction. This is why I wait for fellowship. 

I believe fellowship to be a core part of serving the Lord in this life. As I have seen relationships and friendships break apart over the years, I have learned what friendships are and how they can play a vital role in our walks with God. The best descriptions of friends I have come across are in the form of confidants, constituents and comrades. Everyone in your life whom you have spent any great amount of time with, will settle into one of these three categories; with the exception of family. To better understand the meaning of fellowship and support in our walks with God, we must take a close look into the details of who these people are.

Confidants are those who love you unconditionally. They can be defined as a person with whom one shares a secret or private matter, trusting them not to repeat it. They are “into-you”, they are there for the long haul, with you when you get yourself into trouble. They are your mentor, they feed you so you can feed someone else; they are for you, with you, confront you, they get in your “business.” These confidants weep with you, rejoice with you, pray for you, and have your trust. All leaders need them. Being able to see the Kingdom of the Lord comes with a confidant.  

You will be a very blessed soul if you have three confidants in your lifetime. If you have twelve close friends, three of them need to be confidants. They are so comfortable to be around that you act as if you do when you are alone. They know all aspects of your life. They support your dreams and fight your battles with you, even if their dreams are different. Their love for you only compares with the love God has for you. And without hesitation, you are also their confidant.

A few biblical examples of confidants are David and Jonathan, who was the son of King Saul, and the love they had for each other. See 1 Samuel 19:9-20:44 for how deep their friendship was. Jesus and Peter were confidants during Jesus’ ministry. Jesus knew and trusted Peter, but knew Peter would deny Him. In the end, Jesus knew Peter had to deny Jesus in order to learn how to be the man God intended him to be and evangelize to the world. One more example is of Paul and Barnabas, who were business partners, but separated due to a disagreement. After Paul was converted on the road to Damascus, at which point his name changed from Saul to Paul, he returned to Jerusalem as a student under Barnabas’ ministry and learned how to evangelize. As time went on, Paul became the leader of the group. Even though Paul and Barnabas had disagreements, respect kept them together in order to improve their ministry. See Acts 9 and Galatians 1.

The next type of friend is a constituent. These are people who are for what you are for, but not for you. They can be defined as being a part of a whole, who will labor with you, but will leave you for someone else that better suits their own agenda. They can be heart breakers; will use you to get them closer to their mission. You find yourself having trouble relaxing around them. Constituents can be mistaken for confidants. They are common in your life, and you will find yourself as someone’s constituent without realizing for some time. 

And the last friend to come about in your life will be a comrade. They may be there to share in your activities or are a fellow member in something you take part in, but do not be deceived; they are not for your dreams. They will team-up with you fight a greater enemy only until that enemy is defeated. They are for what you are for, but not on the same playing field. Although a comrade has use in your life, always expect them to leave you at any moment. 

When I think of comrades, I think of times when I was a “comrade.” I was envious of others, and only after laying my life at the Lord’s feet did I see the perversity of envy. Watch out for those that carry envy around you, their schemes are evil. Here is an excerpt from a book of poems by Abraham Cowley called Davideis: 

“Envy at last crawls forth from that dire throng,
Of all the direful'st; her black locks hung long,
Attir'd with curling Serpents; her pale skin
Was almost dropt from the sharp bones within,
And at her breast stuck Vipers which did prey
Upon her panting heart, both night and day
Sucking black bloud from thence, which to repaire
Both night and day they left fresh poysons there.
Her garments were deep stain'd in humane gore,
And torn by her own hands, in which she bore
A knotted whip, and bowl, that to the brim
Did with green gall, and juice of worm wood swim.
With which when she was drunk, she furious grew
And lasht herself; thus from th' accursed crew;
Envy, the worst of Fiends, herself presents;
Envy, good only when she herself torments.”

When I wait on fellowship, I find appreciation in the friends I have and the friends I lost. I have learned to pray for those people sent into my life, not taken away. Be thankful for who was there for when you needed them, do not be bitter about their absence now. Those sent into my life that helped me, encouraged, and mentored me, are a part of who I am today. From them I have found the importance to be submissive, learned to be humble myself and show respect. I have learned that equality in a friendship takes form on different levels. God does bless lives with statuses over others, but He sees fit when a status can change. Saul failed God, lost his kingdom to David and Jonathan was not envious. 

Do not be quick to judge those who God has placed in your life. They may look “fancy” on the outside, like a Cadillac with shiny rims, but could be full of trash on the inside. A big house with impressive landscaping may be intimidating from the outside, but the inside may very well be cluttered by a hoarder. Do not think you can identify a comrade from a confidant easily; relationships grow as God works in them and cleans them for the purpose they are meant to fulfill. “May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance.”  2 Thessalonians 3:5

Through waiting on a blessed fellowship, I have been given the opportunity wait on knowledge and truth. I have watched the seasons change, the world turn, and His Word kept time and time again. As each day begins anew, I listen to His wisdom as He teaches me the meaning of my actions and influences of this world. Every detail has a glimmer of higher truth behind it; we only have to be aware of His workings behind it. “Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.” Psalm 37:7

A portion of our lives is dedicated to waiting for the readiness of the path God lays ahead. This can be a trying and hard period of our lives as we allow ourselves to be blinded in a fog of the unknown. My own journey, the culmination of hiking the Triple Crown trails, growing to become the man God asks me to be, and learning how to support others, has been stressful and peaceful. As the cloud parts and the way is made visible, I almost stubble over myself with joy for what lies ahead; at which time I find the most speed bumps and unnecessary distractions. When the path is set heavy with fog and mysteries at every bend, I find triumph and success with each step. Everyone has their own walk and must understand where their strengths and weaknesses reside most. My strengths are when I’m clear that caution be the best choice. “"Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.” Matthew 7:13

When we have moments to be alone, we are able to see where God is working, to know what will fit our needs. As I wait on love, I have found how to look for what I am seeking. If you are single or dating, you know what I mean. We must think we have found love, romance, intimacy, and trust to realize we were wrong. It takes time to understand these things, and too often than not, mistakes. Through the search to find love, I have discovered I cannot find who I seek if I do not love myself first. How can I accept the love of another if I am ashamed of whom I am?

And so I waited, I waited very impatiently to find who I was and to love this person I am. My own struggles made this search take much longer than it needed, but it was the way I needed to find love for myself. I ended up hating who I was and destroying myself intentionally until there was nothing left to be hated. That was when I realized God had been calling upon me the entire time. He loved me then, and He loves me now. Only through seeing His love did I rise up to become a man worthy of His love, while learning to love myself.

Finally, I wait for the last kind of love I have never felt. A love I know He wants for me. A love that is very much a part of His love for me, but through the soul of another. This love cannot be forced or rushed; it cannot be seasonal or conditional. This love will be that of a confidant, but so much more. This love is based on the same set of morals and values based upon the same laws; will be equally yoked in His name.

I have been waiting and will continue to wait. I have fought battles for this love, I have shown respect for it when no others understood. I have learned that my normal may not be the love’s normal. My mistakes may hurt and scare the love, but this love will be worth the fight. Before the Lord I ask for this love, this confidant, this unity, this intimacy. I ask that I be made perfect and clean for this love. I ask that I bear the fruit, put on the armor and be a man of God. I ask for the patience to wait. “You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”  Hebrews 10:36

Whatever it may be you find yourself waiting for, remember how God wants you to wait. There will be seasons and reasons for waiting, friends will come and go, your path will be over mountains and seas, but the end will be your best for His glory.

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and weighed down with heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in spirit. Indeed, you will surely find rest in Me! My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30