I journal when I feel my thoughts and feelings are too deep
to say aloud or process in my own head. Most of my journaling will never make
it on to the internet, as it is for my own growth and for me alone. But there
are times when my heart tells me to share with those who have to ears to hear
and eyes to see what is beyond the things of this world.
I am writing this on November 25th in the year
2013 and I write this down as it pours out of me. It has taken me a while to
put into words something that happened to me on November 11th.
On 11/11 I spent some time with the Word in the morning. I
felt a burden in my heart, a wall was put up that I could not see around or
climb over. This wall was thick, made of many red and maroon bricks and few
grey ones and I feel its weight just by standing near it. Behind me was the
landscape of my heart. Brilliant colors pulsed across its surface and I could
sense this wave moving throughout it. The wave was warm and comforting. I knew
Jesus was in that wave, tending to my heart. He already spent so much time
making repairs, filling gaps, restoring dead and hardened areas. He had let His
springs and wells over flow the surface and washed away the trash and dirt that
cluttered the temple of my heart. But there was this wall, this giant obstacle
that I knew nothing about, and Jesus had not broken it down. Why did He leave
it up? Why was this wall such a mystery to me and why did I feel it only now?
When I arrived at work, I prayed over my job, my co-workers,
my family and my faith. I thought that maybe I just needed to let some love out
to God for others and my wall would fall. That’s when I realized the wall was a
hindrance. The wall itself was a self-made distraction. The wall wasn’t the
issue, it was what was behind the wall that I was meant to learn about, but
didn’t want to confront it. So I reached out, I asked Zac and Tara for prayer,
for them to ask Jesus for clarity to the issue at hand.
During work, I continued to pray and seek answers to why I
would build this wall. I could tell it took time and energy and resources to
stack those bricks. The trouble I went through to keep myself away and safe.
Safe! LIE! I did not build this wall to be safe, I built it to hide and cower
from TRUTH. That’s a strange feeling to have while working.
I went to my car on break and read a message from Zac… “Well
I had a vision of you trying to get up a ladder in a tree and no one would help
you. You were just a young boy and everyone else was in the tree but you. And
your heart was hurt and felt abandoned and alone in the deepest sense of the
word. Then the Father led me to this verse in Matthew (funny) chapter 10 verses
26-31. Focused on 26 and 27. ‘26 But don’t be afraid of those who threaten you.
For the time is coming when everything that is covered will be revealed, and
all that is secret will be made known. 27 What I tell you now in darkness,
shout abroad when daybreak comes. What I whisper in your ear, shout from the
housetops for all to hear!’ –Jesus”
This gave me the courage, no my own weakness and flesh
lacked the courage. Jesus strengthened me enough to peer around my wall and see
beyond it. My heart had a cliff, a jagged sharp cliff that fell into nothing.
But out beyond my grasp were pieces and chunks of my heart, floating around. It
looked like an asteroid field from Star Wars. Each piece broken off from my
heart had a tint of red, but with a slight transparency to it so that I could
see what was inside the fragment. There were so many pieces of my heart that it
was rough to look at. Some pieces held memories; forgotten childhood dreams,
injuries and physical pain, fears and moments crying, mistakes, lost friends
and past girlfriends. Some pieces also held thoughts and feelings. I saw one piece
that is hard to describe, but I knew “panic” was inside. So many shards broken
off my heart. This didn’t seem right. I had Jesus, forgiveness, redemption, and
most of all, love. Why did my heart look this?
My heart. My issues because of my flesh. These were not
things Jesus was just going to sweep under the rug and call everything good. He
wanted to sit with me and talk about each one, to show me truth behind them,
give me understanding and give Him more of me in return.
The wall fell and was gone. No rubble left behind, like it
had never even been there. I knew with
Jesus at my side, I had the strength to confront my personal monsters I created
and cowered from. Instantly, He was amidst the chaos of the heart asteroids and
in one smooth out stretch of His arms, brought them all together. He slowly
descended towards me and asked which pieces we should put back first. I
shrugged and said He had permission to put back which ever ones He wanted and
on His time. I was just relieved to know He was willing to even help.
With that, he placed many pieces back into the cliff. Each
one molding back into my heart like it had never been missed. But He held onto
a few, just an armful that He was going to keep close. I saw one was carrying a
piece of love and romance, but it was shrouded in a black fog. Another held an
image of my family when I was young. It slowly focused in on my mom and her
smile, then zoomed out quickly for me to see the picture of the whole family
again. It just kept repeating this. I saw one more piece in Jesus’ arm, and it
frightened me more than the others.
I knew I had given some of the love and romance I wanted for
my wife to someone else. I knew I was ashamed of that and sad my wife would not
be the first to hear those words from my mouth, but I was excited that Jesus
picked that one out for us to work on!
I also knew the picture of my family and focus on my mom was
about the pain I felt with my parents’ divorce. I had put all the blame on my
mom, but He didn’t want it that way. Jesus wanted me to move past that and
forgive my parents and help put that smile back on my mom. I was nervous about
that piece, but not frightened.
The last piece He wanted to work on held something very
powerful. The small fragment of my heart that contained it was merely a joke
and I knew only Jesus could hold it in such a gentle way. Inside that portion
of my heart, was such a destructive force to me that I didn’t want to look at
it.
Memories flooded my thoughts. When I was a kid, there were
times when I’d get a feeling around somebody that made me absolutely love to be
with them. I would just sit there and picture them having an amazing life,
doing great things and being really cool. I never said anything because I didn’t
know how to talk like that. As time went on, the feelings went away and
something else came in. I’d listen to friends talk about their parents. I’d get
this feeling of hate, of a dark force seeping out of their pores and poisoning
whatever it touched. It wasn’t that I was around really good, loving people or
evil, angry kids, they were all normal, all sane everyday people. But this
scared me. I didn’t like these feelings that came before that I couldn’t talk
about. As years passed, the good feelings I had around people disappeared and
only the bad remained. No one knew this about me, I kept it all internal where
it eventually took hold.
Before long, I hated God. He made me so angry, in fact
everything made me angry. I would form terrible thoughts on people and wish bad
upon them. I had captured this thing I had since I was a kid, feared it, and
let it become a demon that ate me inside out. All of this, of course, unknown
to me. I always thought I was just weird or broken mentally. This thing gave me
enormous anxiety and depression.
Years I went downhill like this. Then it all stopped the
night I was born-again. God had squeezed it out of me, literally squeezed my
entire body to wring out the evil that had taken ahold of me. Very interesting
moment, so close to death. So all this time, over two years walking with God,
those feelings never came about, not the good or bad. Until this moment when
Jesus held it in His hand.
Jesus said this is my Gift from the Spirit that I was born
with. Without the right direction in my childhood, the enemy grabbed a hold of
it and used it against me. Now that Jesus had it back, He has blessed me with the
Gift of Exhortation. The ability to encourage other believers. To feel the presence
of God in them and speak to their hearts to remind them God is with them. And
in a much deeper level on a personal note.
Jesus restored me! Freed me from a very deep and awful fear
I carried for a long time. This shard of heart, before so frightening, now
carried a brilliant light and when He put it back into my heart, the colors
became more vivid, my entire heart grew, became warm, felt solid and cried out
to Father for the Joy He brought me! He knew me and loved since before I could
walk.
Jesus, my savior and Lord, knows my heart and is the caretaker
forever and ever. He loves me more than I could understand, and will even take
me to see Him work on my heart and walk me through it.
I know I have much more to learn and an endless amount of
growth with Jesus, but I am so thankful He takes the time to love me and talk
to me. There are still pieces of my heart that need work and that’s okay. I am
eager to see where God takes my life and happy to know the Spirit has made
plans for a gift He blessed me with so long ago.
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